Wednesday, December 21, 2005

Red Sox Trade Ramirez To Pacers For Artest

"Or maybe not" - Bird

INDIANAPOLIS, IN (TCR) - The Boston Red Sox and Indiana Pacers worked out a rare inter-sport trade last night, with the Red Sox trading disgruntled slugger Manny Ramirez to the Pacers for mercurial forward Ron Artest, both of whom have demanded trades.

However, officials from both teams quickly released statements saying they had changed their minds.

"After some long and hard consideration, we came to the very difficult and firm decision that the best way to go was to part ways with Ronnie," said Pacers President Larry Bird. "Then we started watching TV and said, 'Eh, nevermind.'"

Ramirez' agent said it was all a big misunderstanding and that his client thought he was demanding a trade from the Texas Rangers.

Monday, December 19, 2005

FOX Announces "Skating With The Stars" Follow-Up

"Shooting Spouses With The Stars" to Premiere Next Season

HOLLYWOOD (TCR Wire Reports) - The FOX Network will expand its "Dancing With The Stars" and "Skating With The Stars" franchise to a new spin off called "Shooting Spouses With The Stars."

Hosted by OJ Simpson, celebrities and athletes will be paired with professional hitmen and the team that completes their mission first will win their chosen charity a generous cash prize.

There has been no official word on contestants; however, speculation is swirling around Kurt Warner, Hillary Clinton, Doug Christie, Renee Zellweger, Kris Benson and Whitney Houston.

Special guest panelists are said to include Rae Carruth (via satellite) and Robert Blake.

Joe Calapai's next comedy show is next Saturday, March 11th at the Randolph Holiday Inn. For more details, visit Joe Calapai Comedy.

Friday, December 16, 2005

Ramirez Barricaded In Fenway Offices

RELATED STORY: "Manny being Many" - Ramirez Diagnosed with Multiple Personality Disorder

BOSTON (TCR) - Red Sox outfielder Manny Ramirez took a page from new WEEI-AM host Mike Adams' playbook and barricaded himself in team offices at Fenway Park until a trade was worked out.

Team sources say the situation is volatile. A trade was worked out earlier in the day with the Baltimore Orioles for Miguel Tejada, but Ramirez changed his mind and declared he would not come out until he was assured he would finish his career in Boston.

The area he chose to barricade himself into has easy access to the Green Monster, so Ramirez can take care of basic biological needs.

Sunday, December 11, 2005

Energy Site Harassed By Boston Sports Radio Station

BRIGHTON, MA (TCR) - Officials from the Edison Electric Institute in Washington, DC claim they are getting harassing messages from staff members and listeners of WEEI-AM, A Boston sports talk radio station.

"Apparently they are getting us confused with their station because our web sites have similar addresses, " said EEI official Keith Voight, whose organization can be found online at

WEEI officials ( had no comment.

"We keep getting calls from them, demanding we change our address," said Voight. "They're just not listening to reason. We are in no way competing with them. One belligerent gentleman who I believe was named 'Meat' just repeatedly called me a 'weed jerk.' It was very baffling."

Voight said he was surprised to learn they were a sports radio station. "I listened early one weekday morning and I didn't hear them mention anything about sports at all," said Voight. "I thought it was some sort of Ku Klux Klan radio hour, to tell you the truth."

Voight said they are also getting innundated with calls from WEEI listeners trying to get on that station's popular "Whiner Line" segment.

"I'm a quite peaceful man," said Voight. "But if I hear one more person warbling a Christmas carol with 'Renteria' worked into it, I will track them down, rip out their throat, and use their blood to heat my house for an hour."

Wednesday, December 07, 2005

Garciaparra Signs With Marlins As INF/Mascot

New "Nomarlin" Character To Be Developed

DAVIE, FL (TCR) - Following up our exclusive report on the Marlins trading away mascot Billy the Marlin (see related story), The Calapai Report learned that the Marlins have offered a contract to former Chicago Cubs shortstop Nomar Garciaparra.

Garciaparra will be asked to fill a utility role for the Marlins, playing any position except pitcher and catcher, as his agent specified.

He is also expected to serve as team mascot in early innings while he waits to spell players like Robert Andino. He will not be portraying Billy the Marlin, who was traded to Clevlenad earlier this week; rather, a new mascot named "Nomarlin" will be created.

Team officials acknowledged Garciaparra might be rough around the edges. When asked what he would tell young children at Marlins games, he replied, "Tell the little (expletive) not to turn down sixty (expletive) million dollars."

Tuesday, December 06, 2005

Beisel Leaves Pats For White House

WASHINGTON, DC (TCR) - Linebacker Monty Beisel left the New England Patriots today to become the new Communications Director at the White House.

Citing his reduced playing time with the Patriots, Beisel said it was time to put his extensive PR training to good work.

"I relish the challenge of this responsibility," said Beisel. "It's a bit of a change from what I've been doing, but I know there are certain reporters who keep annoying the President with questions about the war and things like that, and they need to kept away from him. There's no way I'll let (Bush) look bad."

Beisel's first day got off to a rough start. When Mike Wallace from "60 Minutes" asked a question Beisel deemed critical of the President, Beisel screamed "That's your professionalism? You're going to slash the President in a house paid for by hard-working Republicans?" Beisel then tried to tackle Wallace, but fortunately the 87-year-old journalist was able to evade the tackle.

Billy Marlin Traded To Indians

DAVIE, FL (TCR) - Continuing their efforts to shed salary, the Florida Marlins earlier today traded their mascot Billy the Marlin to the Cleveland Indians for a media relations intern to be named later.

"We're very excited to be adding a fresh face to our dynamic team," said Matthew Roebuck, Director of Media Relations. "And I hope they enjoy the weather down here, because we can't really pay them a stipend."

Indians General Manager Mark Shapiro said Billy will compete with current mascot Slider this spring for the big-league job.

Thursday, December 01, 2005

O'Connell Wins Red Sox GM For A Day Contest

BOSTON (TCR) - Boston Bruins GM Mike O'Connell outbid many others in a "Be The Red Sox GM For A Day" promotion to benefit the Jimmy Fund, and wasted no time putting his stamp on the team.

He traded AL MVP runner-up David Ortiz to the New York Yankees for aging center fielder Bernie Williams.

"I did my homework on this Manny Ortiz (sic) and he really didn't blossom until he came here, suggesting he's a prototypical Fenway hitter," said O'Connell. "I checked the schedule through March and the Yankees aren't scheduled to be in Fenway at all, so I don't think this will hurt us at all."

He also traded recently acquired starting pitcher Josh Beckett back to the Florida Marlins, along with left fielder Manny Ramirez and catcher and team captain Jason Varitek for pitcher Anibel Sanchez. As part of the deal, the Red Sox will pay 95% of the salaries for Ramirez, Beckett and Varitek.

"In a sport without cost certainty, the system just doesn't work," said O'Connell. "It was just a few years ago that the Florida Panthers (sic) beat the New York Yankees for the Grey Cup (sic), and now they have to dismantle their team? That's crazy. As a large market team, we must do whatever we can to help them."

Red Sox Principal Owner John Henry, his trademark soft voice barely above a whisper, said, "(expletive) the (expletive) Jimmy (expletive) Fund."

Team President/CEO Larry Luccino, in a statement released through Boston Globe columnist Dan Shaughnessey, said "This reminds me of a time the Celtics couldn't play Larry Bird because of recurring back spasms."

Boston Bruins team officials were unavailable for comment. But building maintenance staff were seen changing all the locks on the doors of the Boston Garden.

Manny Being Many

Ramirez Diagnosed With Multiple Personality Disorder

Santo Domingo, DR (Calapai Report Wire Services) - Sources inside the Dominican Republic's Ministry of Sport have confirmed that Boston Red Sox left fielder Manny Ramirez has been diagnosed with Multple Personality Disorder.

It is believed that this is the cause of his frequent "trade me"/"I want to stay" requests.

Anonymous sources close to the Red Sox confirmed the report.

"Yeah, we knew about it," said a free agent first baseman who would only identify himself as Cowboy. "That's why we would be all excited and say 'Hey, it's just Manny Being Manny.' Because when Manny was being, for example, Esmirelda, he couldn't hit for (excrement). But he, um, she, whatever, could cook a mean Kale Soup, though."

Globe No Longer Covering Patriots

FOXBOROUGH, MA (TCR) - New England Patriots officials complained today that the Boston Globe is no longer covering the team in their sports section.

"They'll give pages upon pages of positive coverage to Red Sox real estate deals," said Patriots Media Relations Director Stacey James, "but now they're saying they won't cover game day stories of us. It's insane."

"All those years Fenway residents would scream bloody murder when the Sox tried to add a single seat, but now we're supposed to believe that ever since the Globe bought into the team the residents are throwing roses at their huge proposals?"

Globe Sports Editor Joe Sullivan confirmed the change.

"As the premier paper in the region, we cover only the premier teams," Sullivan said, dismissing the Patriots recent Super Bowl wins as "yesterday's news."

The Globe has an ownership stake in the Red Sox. Sullivan confirmed that they will be the only team they will cover.

"We only buy into the best sports teams," Sullivan said. "You can rest assured that if we don't own it; it's not worth paying attention to."

The Patriots and Celtics planned to hold press conferences today to protest the Globe's new policy. The Bruins planned to hold a press conference to announce they are still in existance.