Sunday, January 29, 2006

Marlins Announce New Revenue Source

DAVIE, FL (TCR) - The struggling Florida Marlins announced a new deal that they hope will bring in much-needed revenue to help keep the club afloat and possibly build a new stadium.

"We were contacted by some nice folks from Nigeria for an urgent business relationship," explained owner Jeffrey Loria. "They presently have over $20 million dollars floating in the Nigerian Central Bank and need help to transfer it out of the country. We hope that by helping them, they will reward us with a generous investment into the team, or perhaps buy tickets to a game when the Brewers are in town."

Loria did not respond to follow-up emails as he was working on an email forwarding project for Microsoft.

17% Of CHB Bitterness

The All-Most Red Sox Team
NFL Games on the NFL Network

SUNDAY, JAN 29th - Well, if you've been here before you'll know that this site has been strictly parody sports news. But to add a new wrinkle to the experiment, I've decided to put my Sports Journalism class from 1994 to good use and try my hand at writing a column.

So in my first crack at it, I'd like to extend an apology to a columnist who has been doing this a heck of a lot longer than I. He's not real popular these days, and I can't say I've ever been a fan, but I;d like to take this opportunity to apologize to Boston Globe sports columnist Dan Shaughnessy.

You see, Mr. Shaughnessy makes it abundantly clear in his columns that he resents having to add in the disclaimer that the Globe owns 17% of the Boston Red Sox. Most writers handle it with a stale aside in parentheses, but Mr. Shaughnessy works it in with some sort of snide remark.

I'm sorry this clearly annoys you so. I really am.

I can see your point - you have to say the same damned thing each and every time. Plus it detracts from the flow of writing. If I were in your shoes, it would annoy me too.

And I'm sorry because despite my understanding of your frustration, I'm going to insist that you put it in every damned thing that you or anyone else at the Globe writes about the Red Sox.

I want to see it in every story. In every notebook. And especially in every damned story about "Fenway Neighborhood Improvements" that seem to include so much less community outrage than before the 17% ever came into play. The Globe made the bed, now it has to sleep in it. Deal with it.

And lastly, I'm sorry if this sounds paranoid or negative but we are a negative society by nature; otherwise, Groundhog Day would be on August 2nd and six more weeks of summer would be at stake.

The All-Most Red Sox Team
Speaking of the Sox, is it just me or could the team field a seriously killer lineup with players who have ALMOST played for them?

And I'm not talking about just trade rumors, but guys who were signed, sealed, delivered, only to have some sort of bizarre Red Sawxian drama get in the way?

Heck, you could probably field half a team just from Manny Ramirez almost-trades.

I guess some star power was taken from this team now that the Coco Crisp trade has gone through, but does this type of stuff happen to other teams? (I mean, besides the teams the Red Sox are trying to deal with)

I know, dumb question.

The NFL has grown so successful and powerful that its tough to imagine them plummeting back to earth.

Well the latest TV deal with a new package shown on the NFL Network might provide some insight in the years to come.

I'm sure folks in the league offices will convince themselves they have achieved their success through great leadership, a great product, great marketing, etc.

They're delusional. And that will be their downfall if they don't keep it in check.

The reason the NFL is so popular is that it is the greatest TV sport in the world, because of the way it is scheduled.

First they play primarily on Sundays at 1pm. What else is there to watch? Infomercials and bad 80's films like Roadhouse. (Which up until recently was my greatest Guilty Pleasure Movie but I'll save that for another column) You have some West Coast games on at 4pm. That means in the span of just over six hours, more than 85% of the league's schedule for the week is played.

Think about that. In other sports games are spread out over the entire week. The Celtics or Bruins might play 2-3 times a week but there are league games every night. Kobe Bryant scored 81 points on a dark night for the Celtics. If you're watching a Patriots game and Shaun Alexander is gunning for a 300-yard game, you can be sure you're going to know about it as it happens. You're not only watching the Patriots game, you're watching the NFL. Both of you who are still watching the Bruins this year are just watching the Bruins; you might get some scoreboard updates but that's about all.

Granted, baseball teams generally play all at the same time. But they play 162 games - you're not as invested in them. You watch a Patriots game, you're watching 1/16th of the season. You watch a red Sox game and you're watching 1/162nd of their season - its just not the same. And you have the same problem of catching up with the league - no one does across-the-league cut-ins better than a network carrying NFL games.

I am convinced that the main reason the XFL failed so miserably was because of their failure to schedule games on Sundays at 1pm. Instead, NASCAR pushed their way into it and have enjoyed record popularity since.

The new NFL on NFL package is dangerous because it dilutes the schedule that much more. Plus they're on a channel hardly anyone gets. They're going to carry games over-the-air in local markets, but in a league that thrives and depends on being in the forefront, its dangerous to push anything into the background. I'm not saying this deal will kill the league, but its indicative of arrogance that could lead to a downfall.

Well, that's about it for this week. Check back on Mondays Wednesdays and Fridays for more fake sports news, plus each weekend for more columns. If you're interested in seeing a comedy show, check out my schedule at Joe Calapai Comedy. Thanks for reading!

Thursday, January 26, 2006

Bonds To Star In CSI: BALCO

HOLLYWOOD (Wire Services) - After plans for an ESPN reality show were universally panned, sources for the mercurial slugger said he would star in the next CSI spin-off instead.

Ironically, CSI: BALCO will be about law enforcement agents who chase down people who use steroids.

Bonds will play the lead agent, Kent Jeffries. He is described as a reclusive former baseball slugger who is haunted by his own demons and is slightly difficult to deal with.

"We think Barry is an ideal choice for this subject matter and he doesn't seem to be difficult to deal with at all," said CSI producer Jerry Bruckheimer. Bruckheimer admitted he has never actually met Bonds.

Tuesday, January 24, 2006

French To Use Tour To Invade London

PARIS (TCR) - French sport officials announced that the first stage of the Tour De France will be in London.

But sources on both sides indicate it is a sinister plot by France to invade London.

"You think we would just give them part of the race?" a French official asked, speaking under the condition of anonymity. "We've waged wars over less. They will never know what hit them!"

Basil St. Brean, a British interior official, acknowledged the threat but said they were taking no steps to stop it.

"Honestly, do you know nothing about the French military history?" St. Brean asked. "We're actually looking forward to saving money on bedsheets by simply collecting all the surrender flags from the French when they arrive."

Posting Schedule

My goal is to update every Monday, Wedneday and Friday (or late Sunday, Tuesday etc. nights, more likely). Monday will probably be a column, Wednesday will probably be a news parody and Friday will be some sort of roundup of the week's news. I have a couple of ideas for that but I'm not sure if they're feasible.

As always, feedback is welcomed. This is an experiment and I'm tinkering away, trying to get the content down on a free site before I try to launch it as a stand-alone site. Thanks!

Monday, January 23, 2006

Red Sox Outfield Plans Spoiled By Copyright Laws

BOSTON (TCR) - Just as the Red Sox were on the verge of trading for Cleveland outfielder Coco Crisp, the team learned that it was being sued for copyright infringement.

Crisp was just the first phase of a plan that was going to radically change the outfield next season. It was learned that the team was also in talks to acquire Milton Bradley, and was successful in talking Howard Johnson out of retirement.

According to government sources, there is an investigation underway to determine if reports are true that the Red Sox were pressuring those companies for advertising revenues.

Sunday, January 22, 2006

Sam Horn Faces Huge Paternity Lawsuit

BOSTON (TCR) - Former Boston Red Sox slugger Sam Horn learned today he is the subject of a massive paternity suit.

According to lawyers of the Sons of Sam Horn, each member of the popular web site is demanding retroactve child support from the current Red Sox TV analyst.

"I categorically deny the charges," Horn said in a statement. "Who do they think I am, Wilt Chamberlain? And there is no way - repeat, no way - that I fathered Schilling. And hell, John Henry is older than I am!"

Horn declined to say how he would defend himself except to say, "Let's just say some of those 'sons' are actually 'daughters' so I think they're credibility is in question."

Thursday, January 19, 2006

Searching For People Stunned By Epstein's Return

BOSTON (TCR) - Several Boston-area news reporters are dismayed by the daunting task of finding people who are genuinely surprised by Theo Epstein's return to the Boston Red Sox.

"The editors want the story to be 'Theo's Stunning Return' but it was the worst-kept secret in the sports world," said one reporter who wished to remain anonymous.

"Its been overanalyzed to death already," he said. "The only burning question here is what animal costume did Theo wear on his way back into Fenway Park."

Another local reporter echoed the frustration.

"I thought I hit paydirt - a guy emerging from a three-year-long coma," she said. "I figured he didn't know anything about the drama of the past few months. But unfortunately he didn't know that Theo had left in the first place, and when I mentioned the World Series thing, the poor guy had a heart attack."

NBA To Auction Fan Brawls For Charity

NEW YORK (TCR) - The NBA announced that instead of trying to figure out ways to prevent players from going into the stands, they will instead embrace the phenomenon and use it as a way to generate revenue for charitable causes.

"We looked into fencing off the court but the fire marshalls rejected that idea," said NBA Vice President for Basketball Operations Stu Jackson. "So we figured if they're going to do it anyway, why not make some money off it - for charity, of course."

According to Jackson, there will be a special "Brawling Section" where players can go to vent their anger. The section's location will differ by venue, but it will be within beer-cup throwing distance of the visiting team's bench.

Monday, January 16, 2006

Pats Loss Not The End Of The World - Or Is It? - Vatican

VATICAN CITY (TCR) - While New England Patriots fans tried to cope with the team's playoff loss to Denver by assuring themselves, "It's not the end of the world," sources in the Vatican aren't so sure.

They say the Patriots loss may be interpreted as a sign that the end of the world is indeed upon us.

"The prophecy states, 'And the mighty one will lead them to the highest of heights, where they will meet their deepest of depths, and that shall mark the beginning of the end of time,'" said a Vatican source familiar with the prophecy. The Broncos, of course, play home games at Invesco Field at Mile High, and the Patriots certainly played at their lowest level on Saturday night.

"Pope Benedict was asking everyone to pray for a Patriots victory," said the source, who did not wish to be identified. "It could be he wanted to ward off the prophecy. Either that, or there were some rumors he had someone put some money on the Patriots when they were 4-4 earlier in the season."

The prophecy parchment was found along with a wood carving of a hooded figure wearing robes with the number 12 on them and a Patriots logo.

Sunday, January 15, 2006

Damon Sues Plummer For Copyright Infringement

WILMINGTON, DE (TCR) - New York Yankees centerfielder Johnny Damon filed a lawsuit against Denver Broncos quarterback Jake Plummer for copyright infringement, claiming he pioneered the long hair/scruffy beard look and holds exclusive rights.

Plummer and Broncos officials refused comment.

Dmaon, who has trimmed his trademark hair and is cleanshaven now that he is a member of the image-conscious Yankees, says that should not matter.

"Hey, everyone knows that I was the first one to do it," said Damon. "The bracelets say 'WWJDD' - What Would Johnny DAMON Do. They don't say 'WWJPD.'"

Biblical scholars say that if Jesus' return to earth is imminent, he may choose to dispute Damon's claims of ownership to the look, as well as the bracelets.

Monday, January 09, 2006

Mangini To Jets? Lions Next

NEW YORK (TCR) - The New York Jets, seeking a new coach after they traded the rights to Herm Edwards to the Kansas City Chiefs, are considering New England Patriots Defensive Coordinator Eric Mangini for their head coaching vacancy.

Not to be outdone, the Detroit Lions contacted the Patriots and requested permission to interview Mangini's replacement once he is named.

"It gets competitive trying to recruit NFL coaches" said Lions President/CEO Matt Millen. "We have to be proactive. You know everyone and their brother will try to hire the next guy Belichick plugs in there, at least we've put our foot in the door."

Sources in Buffalo indicate there is concern that they will wind up the only AFC East team without a Belichick clone as head coach, and were preparing an effort to hire Belichick's father, Steve, as head coach. League insiders informed the beleagured organization that Steve Belichick recently passed away, and the team is currently pursuing other options.

Wednesday, January 04, 2006

WAR! Bush Invades Red Sox Nation

SOMEWHERE OUTSIDE BROOKLINE, MA - (TCR) President Bush, citing the Boston Red Sox' continued use of weapons of mass hysteria, has commited military resources to bring about regime change and liberate Manny Ramirez.

The Calapai Report is embedded with troops on the ground to bring you coverage from the front lines.

During the first phase of the operation, dubbed "Sox and Awe" the objective is to "smoke out" mastermind Osama Bin Epstein, who has apparently fled to Cambridge.

Team owner and de facto leader of Red Sox Nation John Henry has thus far been silent, but was said to be searching the internet for inspirational Winston Churchill emails.

The MetroWest area was subdued quickly and placed under the command of General Curt Schilling.

Meanwhile, in Foxboro, where the New England Patriots are preparing for the playoffs and going for their third straight Super Bowl title, there was frustration at once again being pushed off the front pages by their hardball neighbors.

"I don't f---ing believe this s---," said Patriots spokesman Stacy James.