Sunday, February 19, 2006

Carrying A Torch For The Olympic Spirit

Between Bood Miller and Lindsey Jacobellie and whatever the hell is going on with the speedskating team, I don't want to hear any more BS about the great Olympic spirit and how it's so much more "pure" than professionals.

Granted, there are lots of great stories and personalities in the Olympics. But there are in the pro ranks, too. What about Jim Eisenrich, the guy with Tourette's? Or Curtis Pride, or Jim Abbot? And that's just baseball.

I was sick of Bood (when he puts an "i" in his name is when I'll start pronouncing it "Bodie") before the games even started. He's another one of these "Nike" creations. I realize he probably doesn't have an endorsement deal with Nike, and other sporting goods companies do it, but you know what i mean: Nike (or Reebok or wahtever) sign this endorsement deal with a player and hype them to the hilt regardless of their success of lack thereof on the field. It worked well for Nike and Michael Jordan; it is failing miserably for Nike and Michael Vick, who without that Nike contract is just Michael Bishop. Well, I shouldn't say it doesn't work for Vick - he somehow got the Falcons to sign him to a monster contract despite the fact he;s garbage as a QB.

I don't know who is behind the Bodie hype, but lets hope it ends. And all the skiers and snowboarders in general - they;ve got more arrogance than the University of Miami receiving corps.

Clemens: Insert Rocketman Reentry Headline Here
Okay, let me just get this out of the way right here: I would love to see Clemens sign with the Sox and everyone lives happily ever after. I don't really hold the Yankees years against him that much. Although in 1986 I was much more a Bruce Hurst/Wade Boggs fan, I've come to admire and respect Clemens. (And no, I wasn't on the "Clemens is in the twilight of his career" bandwagon when he left. I thought he had more left in the tank; not THIS much, but I didn't agree with the call at the time).

That being said, I'd say a small part of me is kinda hoping the Sox sign him and then turn heel on him. I hear people saying, "Well, Clemens obviously won;t be expected to be here all the time" and "Of course he;ll get special treatment." But part of me would like to see John henry sign the contract with Clemens and say,

"Thank you Roger, and now we have a surprise for you: we've hired a special liason to take charge of all your personal needs."

Clemens: "Well, gee, that's right kind of you Mr. henry."

Henry: "Okay, well, here he is...Roger, meet your new liason to the club, Mr. Dan Duquette. I believe you've met."

Duquette: "Hello Roger. Here, why don't you carry our luggage."

Clemens: "NOOOOOOO!!!!!!!"

Henry: "Don't hurt your arm on those bags, Yankee boy."

NASCAR: Daytona 500
Ah, nice to see my home-away-from-home taking the spotlight. Five years since Dale Sr. died. I still can't get over how the sport took off after that. Well, I have theories about the TV coverage and all that, but seems odd that they kick off the season with the Super Bowl of car racing. I guess its because of tying up sponsors with a strong showing of something like that (unless "Days of Thunder" has lied to me) but damn, that would have been like the NBA of the 90's kicking off each season with Game 7 of the NBA Finals, and killing off Michael Jordan in the final minute, puntuated by a "'s FAAAAAANN-tastic" promo at the end.

Stoopid Announcers
A couple of nice ones to share from today. And none from the NASCAR crews!
from Olympics, during figure skating competition (long story...I was too far away from the remote control to change it) I guess there's a move called a "twizzle" and one of the annoucners (not sure who, but it was a male figure skating announcer so I guess you can guess the hip-quotient going on here) said something to the effect of, "Was there a shanizzle, too?"

Snoop Dogg lingo in figure skating. like seeing Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny in the same room.

The other one was from a Stuart Scott NBA All-Stars on SportsCenter report. it wasn't from Stuart, but it seemed only appropriate it was during his segment: a reporter was talking about how many people attribute the global reach of the NBA to the fact that USA Basketball "has always used professionals, since 1992."

Huh? Time didn't exist before 1992?

Well, that's all for this week. Hope to have a parody news story up this week.

Be excellent to one another.

Friday, February 10, 2006

Winter Wonderland

I watched (for the most part) the opening ceremonies of the Olympics last night. Why? Good question. Maybe it was because I wanted to be inspired by the sight of the Koreans walking in as one team. More likley it was to see those lonely one-person contingents, where the poor guy or gal has to carry the flag and wave maniacially, as if they have to spread enough cheer to make up for dozens of nonexistant teammates. Or to wonder what the heck a race car pit stop has to do with anything in the winder olympics?

But the main thing that struck me was the fact that every team came out to some bad American Disco song. The topper was when a country actually came out to Disco Inferno. Now that I think of it, usually when sentences contain the words "came out" and "Disco Inferno" they are on another subject entirely.

I remember back to a college philosophy class - I think they called it the "Evil Genuis" theory where some evil genius is creating the world around us for our own benefit. When teams from around the world can't come up with better music than Disco Inferno for what's supposed to be the pinnacle of their careers, it makes me think that the Evil Genius got lazy with the details and hoped I wouldn't notice.

Watching some of the Olympics tonight, it seems as if they jump around too much and focus on American athletes way too much. This isn't a very original gripe - they get killed for this every two years. But I'm not sure what they can do about it. If they covered everything they wouldn't be able to broadcast anything else. And if they cut Americans from the broadcast you're gonna hear things like, "I don't give a damn about the Ethiopian skier, I want to see if Bode Miller is drunk." So it's a can't win situation for the network. I do fault the network for paying such an outragous fee for such a flawed property.

At least they'll have hockey soon. you know, the "good" kind of hockey with wide-open ice surfaces and fleet skaters. Janet Jones with bet you $75,000 that no one will really care about the "good" Olympic hockey.

Because what they need is old-school hockey. And I'm not just talking about fighting, although that's part of it. But back in the day when the NHL was populated with Canadian farmboys who came into the league with a sense of toughness and honor. Guys who may not have been considered "book smart" while pitching hay on an Alberta farm but come to the big city and somehow seem to be a step ahead of everyone else. Now, hockey players are almost indistinguishable from baseball players. I don't know the guy personally, but I don't think Ian Moran would last long on the Big Bad Bruins of yonder and have an article about his metrosexuality printed in the Globe. I'm pretty sure that if anyone even THOUGHT about asking Phil Esposity if he was a metrosexual, a couple of Bruno-Scarfo's finest associates would teach the questioner a whole new definition of uincomfortable.

Thursday, February 09, 2006

Goodbye Cruel Boston

Inspired by Johnny Damon's goodbye ad in the Boston Globe today, but unable to spend loads of George Steinbrenner's money, former Boston sports figure chose to place their heartfelt farewell ads on The Calapai Report...
I could barely stand and I still led the team in stolen bases. I played my heart out, and you people never let me forget that one damned ground ball. And now you're saying I'm off the hook since you won a World Series? I hope you choke on the World Series trophy and die.

Love, Bill Buckner
I played in Boston?!

Swiftly Yours, Cliff Floyd

M. McSorely
I said, "Goodbye" - G-O-O-D-B-I-E.

Mrs. Terry Glenn
Dear Fellowship of the Miserable:

I ain't walking through that door again.

Sincerely, Rick Pitino

PS: Your town SUCKS.

Monday, February 06, 2006

No Time Like The Present To Change Halftime

Also: Bandwagon Pats Fans With Nothing To Do
Click Here to read my "expert" analysis of Super Bowl Commercials

The Super Bowl Halftime Show is like the Defense of the Dark Arts teacher at Hogwarts: There's a new one every year. They come with high hopes all around, and by the time next year rolls around, they're bringing in another doomed candidate to try to erase the distaste from the year before.

Don't get me wrong: I like the Stones. I liked McCartney. Okay, so I couldn't give a flying you-know-what about Janet Jackson and Danny Wood or whoever it was that year. But my point is, the Super Bowl halftime show is a complete disaster unbecoming an event the magnitude of a Super Bowl.

With the big-name rock acts, they only get, what, three songs? And they're old songs. Who cares about watching the Stones play three songs from the 60's - you can get a whole concert DVD, probably many of them. And it usually takes them a few songs to get warmed up - by the time the Stones got in gear it was time to go. With the exception of U2 in Super Bowl 36, they've been disasters, in my opinion.

But I know how to fix that.

First, bring back marching bands. Do the natural thing when things go all bad - go back to the roots. But don't get just any old marching band, get ones from the southern schools, like the FAMU Rattlers. When I was in Miami, we would book FAMU for football just to get the band down there. Our own band would get booed off the field, but the FAMU band was awesome. I'm talking about "Drumline" bands here.

Another idea brought me back to the old Mini One-On-One they had during Bruins games. Do they do that anymore? Anyway, have a couple of youth all-star teams face off. Maybe have them each start at the 20-yard lines, each side gets two possessions or something like that. I'm sure rules could be arranged so it would fit a halftime schedule, and they'd have the "Awwww" factor going on.

Hey, the ideas might be cheesy, but I think they're at least better than what they have now.

INTERMISSION: Dumb Super Bowl Comment
One of the ESPNers during the pregame show, talking about how the Super Bowl is different from other games, was trying to describe the spectacle including "they're gonna have jets flying overhead..."

Um...buddy? The games in a dome. If there are jets flying overhead. There are serious problems and its likely the game isn't going to be played.

Bandwagon Pats Fans With Nothing To Do Today
Actually, this is a media issue. I don't know anyone who actually said this, but the media makes it sound like we're all supposed to not know what to do with ourselves because we don't know what its like to not have the patriots in the Super Bowl. I kinda remember many of the previous 35 years when the Patriots were NOT a lock for the Super Bowl. Either these people are bandwagon fans or related to the Mr. Short-Term memory guy Tom Hanks played on Saturday Night Live. Just stupid, stupid media invention to try to stir up stuff, kinda like the Johnny Damon hate-fest they're currently trying to spin, but more on that later.

Thursday, February 02, 2006

Brady Overwhelmed By Medical Help

FOXBOROUGH, MA (TCR) - New England Patriots quarterback Tom Brady has been innundated with offers from women who have offered to massage his injured groin.

"Some of them are medical professionals who make quite technical arguments about how it would help," said Brady.

Team doctors said that while the offers are kind, they will probably seek more conventional treatments.

Wednesday, February 01, 2006

Cameron Crazies Institutionalized

DURHAM, NC (TCR) - State welfare officials today ordered severeal hundred Duke basketball fans to a pychiatric hospital for evaluation.

"Its tragic that these people were exploited by ESPN and other sports networks," said Dr. April Spectra. "These people are really, really ill."

Spectra said the fans were often unable to care for themselves and suffered delusions like thinking they were attending the "Harvard of the South."

"DUKE RUUULLLEEEEZZZZZZ" cried Barry Klester, a self-described Cameron Crazy as he was being led away to a safe environment for treatment.