Injury: Kennel Coughlin
Diagnosis: Procedure to remove his foot from his mouth was clumsy at best. However, his residence in Coach Coughlin's doghouse should severely limit his stats.
Injury: Attention Deficit Disorder
Diagnosis: Not expected to play in low-profile game vs. Tennessee in Week Four. However, he is expected to be ready for high-profile game vs. Philadelphia in Week Five.
Injury: Criminally Insane
Diagnosis: They have traded "So bad it's crazy" for "So crazy they're good" and are expected to compete for the AFC North Division championship as long as they can keep enough players out of jail or at least on work-release.
Diagnosis: Suffered from an uncharacteristic bout of whining in Week Three. Training staff feels that with more application of Doug Gabriel this condition could disappear entirely
Injury: Bubonic Plague
Diagnosis: Instead of taking on the NFL Record Book, Big Ben this season seems intent on taking on the New England Journal of Medicine.
Diagnosis: Not expected to make any more predictions after realizing that he does, in fact, play for the Detroit Lions.