Thursday, September 28, 2006

NFL Injury Report

Injury: Kennel Coughlin
Status: Probable
Diagnosis: Procedure to remove his foot from his mouth was clumsy at best. However, his residence in Coach Coughlin's doghouse should severely limit his stats.

Injury: Attention Deficit Disorder
Status: Doubtful
Diagnosis: Not expected to play in low-profile game vs. Tennessee in Week Four. However, he is expected to be ready for high-profile game vs. Philadelphia in Week Five.

Injury: Criminally Insane
Status: Probable
Diagnosis: They have traded "So bad it's crazy" for "So crazy they're good" and are expected to compete for the AFC North Division championship as long as they can keep enough players out of jail or at least on work-release.
Injury: Manningitis
Status: Probable
Diagnosis: Suffered from an uncharacteristic bout of whining in Week Three. Training staff feels that with more application of Doug Gabriel this condition could disappear entirely

Injury: Bubonic Plague
Status: Doubtful
Diagnosis: Instead of taking on the NFL Record Book, Big Ben this season seems intent on taking on the New England Journal of Medicine.

Injury: Predictionectomy
Status: Probable
Diagnosis: Not expected to make any more predictions after realizing that he does, in fact, play for the Detroit Lions.

Monday, September 11, 2006

Into The NFL Looking Glass

2006 NFL Season: Most "experts" take all the information gleaned from the preseason, going on their Training Camp Tours to backwater college campuses to figure out how the NFL season will shake out.

Well, here at the Calapai Report, we know something they apparently don't know: the preseason don't mean a damn thing! So what we've done is wait until most of the first regular season games have been played (you know, the ones that actually mean something), taken all the buzz from them, and used THAT to base our season predictions. So, here we go:

(Projected record in parentheses)

Arizona Cardinals (16-0) - Kurt Warner is back, and Cardinals Stadium is surely the finest stadium ever built.

Atlanta Falcons (16-0) - Everyone at Nike breathes a sigh of relief with Michael Vick's resurgence, although the Falcons will be disappointed with Ashley Lelie's 16 receptions this season.

Baltimore Ravens (16-0) - Rejuvenated Ravens defense will be led by a strong season by Chris McAllister - projected for 16 interceptions returned for touchdowns; 960 total INT return yards.

Buffalo Bills (0-16) - JP Losman will be unspectacular at QB, throwing 0 TDs and 0 INTs.

Carolina Panthers (0-16) - Super Bowl hopes dashed because Jake Delhomme will throw 0 TD passes this season.

Chicago Bears (16-0) - Vaunted Bears defense will overshadow legendary 1985 team by not allowing a single point all season.

Cincinatti Bengals (16-0) - Team will overcome a disappointing season by Chad Johnson (768 projected REC yards)

Cleveland Browns (0-16) - Charlie Frye will overcome skeptics and score every Browns TD this season. Cleveland Stadium, once the finest stadium ever built, now looking like a dump.

Dallas Cowboys (0-16) - Drew Bledsoe is an incompetent boob whose poor play brings shame to the classy professionalism and poise of Terrell Owens.

Denver Broncos (0-16) - Legendary running attack wallows as the team will be limited to using running backs named "Bell."

Detroit Lions (0-16) - Ford Field, once the finest stadium in the NFL, now looking like a dump.

Green Bay Packers (0-16) - Brett Favre might have made a bad decision in not retiring.

Houston Texans (0-16) - Reliant Stadium, once the finest stadium ever built, now looking like a dump.

Indianapolis Colts (16-0) - Hey, did you know a guy named Manning is the QB?

Jacksonville Jaguars (16-0) - Healthy Fred Taylor projected for 336 carries this season.

Kansas City Chiefs (0-16) - Lone bright spot of the season will be Damon Huard's surprising 16-0 TD:INT ratio.

Miami Dolphins (0-16) - Winless Dolphins will be unable to challenge the Patriots in the AFC East.

Minnesota Vikings (16-0) - Unlike last season's Running Back For A Week merry-go-round, the job is firmly in Chester Taylor's hands.

Oakland Raiders (0-0) - Paul Tagliabue achieves his last, greatest accomplishment in his last act as NFL Commissioner: he makes Al Davis completely invisible.

New England Patriots (16-0) - Defense will set a record with 16 game-winning safties in a season. Gillette Stadium, once the finest stadium ever built, now looking like a dump.

New Orleans Saints (16-0) - Everybody loves Reggie Bush and the Saints. They will win the Super Bowl because teams will forfeit playoff games to them out of sympathy.

New York Giants (0-16) - Hey, did you know a guy named Manning is the QB?

New York Jets (16-0) - Laverneus Coles' 2448 REC yards will lead the Jets to an improbable season.

Pittsburgh Steelers (16-0) - Freak injuries each week will cause Ben Roethlisberger to miss each game. Heinz Field, once the finest stadium ever built, now looking like a dump.

Philadeplphia Eagles (16-0) - Lincoln Financial Field, once the finest stadium ever built, now looking like a dump.

San Diego Chargers (0-0) - Fantasy players despair as LaDanlian Tomlinson will rush for 0 yards with 0 TDs, catch 0 TDs and throw for 0 TDs.

San Francisco 49ers (0-16) - Not even Frank Gore's 32 touchdowns will help this train wreck.

Seattle Seahawks (16-0) - Team will be inspired to victory each and every week to avenge last year's Super Bowl.

St. Louis Rams (16-0) - Jeff Wilkins' 96 field goals will offset the lack of killer offensive instinct.

Tampa Bay Buccaneers (0-16) - Chris Simms' poor decision making (48 projected INTs) will surely doom the Bucs.

Tennessee Titans (0-16) - You have to wonder why the Titans will carry a kicker if they won't kick a field goal or extra point this season.

Washington Redskins (0-16) - FedEx Field, once the finest stadium ever built, now looking like a dump.

Sunday, September 03, 2006

Red Sox Injury Woes Solved

BOSTON - Sources in the Red Sox clubhouse attribute the club's injury woes to the new team doctor, identified as Dr. Nikolas Van Helsing.
The team, which replaced Dr. Bill Morgan, the developer of the Schilling tendon Procedure, refused to comment on its choices of medical personel.

However, players have apparently been complaining for quite a while about Van Helsing's competence, or lack thereof.

Many players attribute the recent spate of injuries to Van Helsing's rather curious methods.

"Look, I'm sure that the doctor's a very sweet man basically," said one player who did not wish to be identified. "But I don't ever want to hear where they found him. Ever."