Thursday, December 11, 2008

The Caps Did WHAT To The Bruins?

According to, the Bruins got more than defeated last night. Check it out, under the sports links in the left-hand nav...

Wednesday, December 12, 2007

ARod Demands To Be Included In The Mitchell Report

NEW YORK - New York Yankees third baseman Alex Rodrigeuz today insisted that if his name is not included in the Mitchell Report, he will work with his agent, Scott Boras, to make the report is amended to include him.

"I know some people are hoping that they aren't included," said Rodriguez. "But I hear there are a lot of the elite names involved and I don't think I should be left out."

"As I've said repeatedly: ARod isn't afraid of greatness," agent Scott Boras said.

Petrino Resigns As Arkansas Coach

FAYETTEVILLE, AK - Bobby Petrino has resigned as coach of the Arkansas Razorbacks less than 24 hours after the press conference announcing his hiring.

He is expected to be the leading candidate to replace former Michigan Wolverines head coach Les Miles, who resigned the position four hours before accepting it.

Tuesday, December 11, 2007

Arthur Blank Clarifies Vick Comments

FLOWERY BRANCH, GA - Atlanta Falcons owner Arthur Blank clarified his contraversial comments from last night's Monday Night Football telecast.

"My comments about Michael Vick eating fried chicken in prison and gaining weight were misrepresented," explained Blank. "Clearly all the watermelon he would also eat would flush out all the grease and keep his muscle tone finely tuned in the way that makes him genetically predisposed to be a great athlete."

Blank then went on to say he was "suprised a white guy like Bobby Petrino would quit" before panicked members of the Falcons media department escorted him away.

Tuesday, February 06, 2007

Dungy Angers Colts Fans By Not Calling Them "Best"

INDIANAPOLIS, IN - Super Bowl winning coach Tony Dungy disappointeed legions of Indianapolis fans with his frank assessment of their place in the American sports heirarchy.

"I'm glad we could win this for you - the Indianapolis fans - among the Top 20 fan bases in the country, maybe even high teens!" Dungy said to a somewhat tepid response.

Quarterback Peyton Manning defended his coach.

"Hey, every year you hear every single coach and player tell their fans, 'You guys are the best fans in the world' - well, they can't ALL be Number One," Manning explained. "Logically, only one city can have the best fans in the world."

When asked what city he felt had the best fans in the world, Manning replied, "Indianapolis, of course. I'm not a moron."

When asked to elaborate, Dungy softened his stance.

"Oh, they're probably better than the Top 20, even high teens," said Dungy. "I mean, I was just ballparking and since the market is so small, I figured Top 20 would have been a compliment. But to say the best - well, that's just silly. I mean, we couldn't even fill up the RCA Dome but the Patriots shut down Boston and their fans line the streets - outdoors in the cold for the entire celebration, I might add - whenever they win the Super Bowl."

An Advertisement With Peyton Manning

(Due to financial constraints, we will occassionally devote some space to Mr. Peyton Manning to share his latest offers with you. Now that he is a Super Bowl MVP and he has never met a commerical he doesn't like, this will be a frequent segment.)

"Hi, I'm Super Bowl MVP Peyton Manning, and when I'm attempting to murder my astronaught boyfriend's lover, I only use Pepper Johnson-brand pepper spray!"

A Pat On The Back

I don't mean to brag, but apparently someone in the NFL - or possibly Prince - is reading my stuff.

At Super Bowl XLI, the FAMU Marching Band was in the halftime show, something I called for a full year earlier.

Of course, my idea was to make them the centerpiece of the show, not some novelty sideshow to Prince. But hey, close enough.

Tuesday, January 09, 2007

Authorities Thwart Davis Plan To Nuke Oakland

WASHINGTON, DC - Federal authorities say they broke up a plan by Al Davis to launch a nuclear attack in the city of Oakland.

Sources say the Raiders owner saw the success the New Orleans Saints enjoyed after tragedy struck their city, and hoped to replicate that in Oakland.

"He's old and he doesn't have much time left," said a a government official. "Unfortunately, he doesn't have Drew Brees and Reggie Bush, either."

Oakland Mayor Jerry Brown said he was not alarmed.

"Are you kdding me?" asked Brown. "Three-quarters of our city's disaster preperation manual are devoted to Raiders-related catastrophes."

Sen. John Kerry Endorses, Then Condemns Saban Move

WASHINGTON, DC - Senator John Kerry (D-MA) backed off his initial support of Nick Saban abandoning the Miami Dolphins for the University of Alabama.

"I was for his move before I was against it," acknowledged Kerry.

Kerry went on to say that he doesn't think Saban was lying when he insisted just days earlier that he would not be the head coach at Alabama.

"You see, Nick Saban is a leader just like me, " Kerry explained. "Leaders make tough decisions. And sometimes we make lots of them. We're not changing our minds; we're simply just making multiple decisions because we're so good at it."


Saturday, December 02, 2006

Stop The Manny Insanity!

I can't believe the Red Sox are trying to go through with this media-fueled Trade Manny nonsense again. And hopefully its just media hype and the Sox aren't seriously considering this. But if so, let's call the situation out for what it is: Racism and Greed.

The fact that the Sox seem to be "replacing" Manny with JD Drew is laughable. Drew doesn't come near Manny's production. As much as "journalists" in Boston bash Manny for "taking games off" he's a heck of a lot more durable than Drew is. And there is a lot of questions about Drew's desire to play through injuries and his commitment to teams. But he's white, so I guess that makes it okay for "journalists" like Gerry Callahan.

Moreover, manny is known to not be coorperative to the media, rarely if ever speaking to them. Aha! Now we get to the REAL root of the problem. The overwhelmingly white Boston "journalists" want Manny out because he won't play by their rules. And for some reason, the Red Sox management seems to think these "journalists" represent the fans of Red Sox Nation. Well, I got news for you: rank-and-file FANS DON'T GIVE A RAT'S ASS IF MANNY TALKS TO THE MEDIA OR NOT.You ever hear some of the racist hatred Callahan spews on his show? Remember the METCO Gorilla "joke"? I wouldn't talk to the bunch, either.

Would Manny get the same treatment if he were white? Perhaps. But that's where Greed comes in, because these "journalists" are all media whores. None of them will write for their paper and leave it at that. They have to cash in on the radio, on TV, etc. And the players do, too, don't get me wrong. It's like incest, really, they're all in bed together.

If Manny were white, or if he knelt down and tossed the "journalists' salald and gave them dirt on his teammates, appeared in a weekly "Manny Being Manny Presented By Boch Toyota" segment on WEEI, I guarantee you there woulnd't be this coordinated media campaign to run him out of town.

Is Manny just shy? Is he an asshole who thinks he's above the fans and his teammates? Or maybe he just sees the disgusting "journalistic" situation in Boston for what it is and chooses not to participate? I don't know the guy so I don't know, but I wouldn't blame him if he did.

Thursday, September 28, 2006

NFL Injury Report

Injury: Kennel Coughlin
Status: Probable
Diagnosis: Procedure to remove his foot from his mouth was clumsy at best. However, his residence in Coach Coughlin's doghouse should severely limit his stats.

Injury: Attention Deficit Disorder
Status: Doubtful
Diagnosis: Not expected to play in low-profile game vs. Tennessee in Week Four. However, he is expected to be ready for high-profile game vs. Philadelphia in Week Five.

Injury: Criminally Insane
Status: Probable
Diagnosis: They have traded "So bad it's crazy" for "So crazy they're good" and are expected to compete for the AFC North Division championship as long as they can keep enough players out of jail or at least on work-release.
Injury: Manningitis
Status: Probable
Diagnosis: Suffered from an uncharacteristic bout of whining in Week Three. Training staff feels that with more application of Doug Gabriel this condition could disappear entirely

Injury: Bubonic Plague
Status: Doubtful
Diagnosis: Instead of taking on the NFL Record Book, Big Ben this season seems intent on taking on the New England Journal of Medicine.

Injury: Predictionectomy
Status: Probable
Diagnosis: Not expected to make any more predictions after realizing that he does, in fact, play for the Detroit Lions.