ARod Demands To Be Included In The Mitchell Report

NEW YORK - New York Yankees third baseman Alex Rodrigeuz today insisted that if his name is not included in the Mitchell Report, he will work with his agent, Scott Boras, to make the report is amended to include him.

"I know some people are hoping that they aren't included," said Rodriguez. "But I hear there are a lot of the elite names involved and I don't think I should be left out."

"As I've said repeatedly: ARod isn't afraid of greatness," agent Scott Boras said.

Petrino Resigns As Arkansas Coach

FAYETTEVILLE, AK - Bobby Petrino has resigned as coach of the Arkansas Razorbacks less than 24 hours after the press conference announcing his hiring.

He is expected to be the leading candidate to replace former Michigan Wolverines head coach Les Miles, who resigned the position four hours before accepting it.

Arthur Blank Clarifies Vick Comments

FLOWERY BRANCH, GA - Atlanta Falcons owner Arthur Blank clarified his contraversial comments from last night's Monday Night Football telecast.

"My comments about Michael Vick eating fried chicken in prison and gaining weight were misrepresented," explained Blank. "Clearly all the watermelon he would also eat would flush out all the grease and keep his muscle tone finely tuned in the way that makes him genetically predisposed to be a great athlete."

Blank then went on to say he was "suprised a white guy like Bobby Petrino would quit" before panicked members of the Falcons media department escorted him away.

Dungy Angers Colts Fans By Not Calling Them "Best"

INDIANAPOLIS, IN - Super Bowl winning coach Tony Dungy disappointeed legions of Indianapolis fans with his frank assessment of their place in the American sports heirarchy.

"I'm glad we could win this for you - the Indianapolis fans - among the Top 20 fan bases in the country, maybe even high teens!" Dungy said to a somewhat tepid response.

Quarterback Peyton Manning defended his coach.

"Hey, every year you hear every single coach and player tell their fans, 'You guys are the best fans in the world' - well, they can't ALL be Number One," Manning explained. "Logically, only one city can have the best fans in the world."

When asked what city he felt had the best fans in the world, Manning replied, "Indianapolis, of course. I'm not a moron."

When asked to elaborate, Dungy softened his stance.

"Oh, they're probably better than the Top 20, even high teens," said Dungy. "I mean, I was just ballparking and since the market is so small, I figured Top 20 would have been a compliment. But to say the best - well, that's just silly. I mean, we couldn't even fill up the RCA Dome but the Patriots shut down Boston and their fans line the streets - outdoors in the cold for the entire celebration, I might add - whenever they win the Super Bowl."

An Advertisement With Peyton Manning

(Due to financial constraints, we will occassionally devote some space to Mr. Peyton Manning to share his latest offers with you. Now that he is a Super Bowl MVP and he has never met a commerical he doesn't like, this will be a frequent segment.)

"Hi, I'm Super Bowl MVP Peyton Manning, and when I'm attempting to murder my astronaught boyfriend's lover, I only use Pepper Johnson-brand pepper spray!"

A Pat On The Back

I don't mean to brag, but apparently someone in the NFL - or possibly Prince - is reading my stuff.

At Super Bowl XLI, the FAMU Marching Band was in the halftime show, something I called for a full year earlier.

Of course, my idea was to make them the centerpiece of the show, not some novelty sideshow to Prince. But hey, close enough.

Authorities Thwart Davis Plan To Nuke Oakland

WASHINGTON, DC - Federal authorities say they broke up a plan by Al Davis to launch a nuclear attack in the city of Oakland.

Sources say the Raiders owner saw the success the New Orleans Saints enjoyed after tragedy struck their city, and hoped to replicate that in Oakland.

"He's old and he doesn't have much time left," said a a government official. "Unfortunately, he doesn't have Drew Brees and Reggie Bush, either."

Oakland Mayor Jerry Brown said he was not alarmed.

"Are you kdding me?" asked Brown. "Three-quarters of our city's disaster preperation manual are devoted to Raiders-related catastrophes."

Sen. John Kerry Endorses, Then Condemns Saban Move

WASHINGTON, DC - Senator John Kerry (D-MA) backed off his initial support of Nick Saban abandoning the Miami Dolphins for the University of Alabama.

"I was for his move before I was against it," acknowledged Kerry.

Kerry went on to say that he doesn't think Saban was lying when he insisted just days earlier that he would not be the head coach at Alabama.

"You see, Nick Saban is a leader just like me, " Kerry explained. "Leaders make tough decisions. And sometimes we make lots of them. We're not changing our minds; we're simply just making multiple decisions because we're so good at it."

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Stop The Manny Insanity!

I can't believe the Red Sox are trying to go through with this media-fueled Trade Manny nonsense again. And hopefully its just media hype and the Sox aren't seriously considering this. But if so, let's call the situation out for what it is: Racism and Greed.

The fact that the Sox seem to be "replacing" Manny with JD Drew is laughable. Drew doesn't come near Manny's production. As much as "journalists" in Boston bash Manny for "taking games off" he's a heck of a lot more durable than Drew is. And there is a lot of questions about Drew's desire to play through injuries and his commitment to teams. But he's white, so I guess that makes it okay for "journalists" like Gerry Callahan.

Moreover, manny is known to not be coorperative to the media, rarely if ever speaking to them. Aha! Now we get to the REAL root of the problem. The overwhelmingly white Boston "journalists" want Manny out because he won't play by their rules. And for some reason, the Red Sox management seems to think these "journalists" represent the fans of Red Sox Nation. Well, I got news for you: rank-and-file FANS DON'T GIVE A RAT'S ASS IF MANNY TALKS TO THE MEDIA OR NOT.You ever hear some of the racist hatred Callahan spews on his show? Remember the METCO Gorilla "joke"? I wouldn't talk to the bunch, either.

Would Manny get the same treatment if he were white? Perhaps. But that's where Greed comes in, because these "journalists" are all media whores. None of them will write for their paper and leave it at that. They have to cash in on the radio, on TV, etc. And the players do, too, don't get me wrong. It's like incest, really, they're all in bed together.

If Manny were white, or if he knelt down and tossed the "journalists' salald and gave them dirt on his teammates, appeared in a weekly "Manny Being Manny Presented By Boch Toyota" segment on WEEI, I guarantee you there woulnd't be this coordinated media campaign to run him out of town.

Is Manny just shy? Is he an asshole who thinks he's above the fans and his teammates? Or maybe he just sees the disgusting "journalistic" situation in Boston for what it is and chooses not to participate? I don't know the guy so I don't know, but I wouldn't blame him if he did.

NFL Injury Report

JEREMY SHOCKEY
Injury: Kennel Coughlin
Status: Probable
Diagnosis: Procedure to remove his foot from his mouth was clumsy at best. However, his residence in Coach Coughlin's doghouse should severely limit his stats.

TERRELL OWENS
Injury: Attention Deficit Disorder
Status: Doubtful
Diagnosis: Not expected to play in low-profile game vs. Tennessee in Week Four. However, he is expected to be ready for high-profile game vs. Philadelphia in Week Five.

CINCINNATI BENGALS
Injury: Criminally Insane
Status: Probable
Diagnosis: They have traded "So bad it's crazy" for "So crazy they're good" and are expected to compete for the AFC North Division championship as long as they can keep enough players out of jail or at least on work-release.

TOM BRADY

Injury: Manningitis

Status: Probable

Diagnosis: Suffered from an uncharacteristic bout of whining in Week Three. Training staff feels that with more application of Doug Gabriel this condition could disappear entirely

BEN ROETHLISBERGER
Injury: Bubonic Plague
Status: Doubtful
Diagnosis: Instead of taking on the NFL Record Book, Big Ben this season seems intent on taking on the New England Journal of Medicine.

ROY WILLIAMS
Injury: Predictionectomy
Status: Probable
Diagnosis: Not expected to make any more predictions after realizing that he does, in fact, play for the Detroit Lions.

Into The NFL Looking Glass

2006 NFL Season: Most "experts" take all the information gleaned from the preseason, going on their Training Camp Tours to backwater college campuses to figure out how the NFL season will shake out.

Well, here at the Calapai Report, we know something they apparently don't know: the preseason don't mean a damn thing! So what we've done is wait until most of the first regular season games have been played (you know, the ones that actually mean something), taken all the buzz from them, and used THAT to base our season predictions. So, here we go:

(Projected record in parentheses)

Arizona Cardinals (16-0) - Kurt Warner is back, and Cardinals Stadium is surely the finest stadium ever built.

Atlanta Falcons (16-0) - Everyone at Nike breathes a sigh of relief with Michael Vick's resurgence, although the Falcons will be disappointed with Ashley Lelie's 16 receptions this season.

Baltimore Ravens (16-0) - Rejuvenated Ravens defense will be led by a strong season by Chris McAllister - projected for 16 interceptions returned for touchdowns; 960 total INT return yards.

Buffalo Bills (0-16) - JP Losman will be unspectacular at QB, throwing 0 TDs and 0 INTs.

Carolina Panthers (0-16) - Super Bowl hopes dashed because Jake Delhomme will throw 0 TD passes this season.

Chicago Bears (16-0) - Vaunted Bears defense will overshadow legendary 1985 team by not allowing a single point all season.

Cincinatti Bengals (16-0) - Team will overcome a disappointing season by Chad Johnson (768 projected REC yards)

Cleveland Browns (0-16) - Charlie Frye will overcome skeptics and score every Browns TD this season. Cleveland Stadium, once the finest stadium ever built, now looking like a dump.

Dallas Cowboys (0-16) - Drew Bledsoe is an incompetent boob whose poor play brings shame to the classy professionalism and poise of Terrell Owens.

Denver Broncos (0-16) - Legendary running attack wallows as the team will be limited to using running backs named "Bell."

Detroit Lions (0-16) - Ford Field, once the finest stadium in the NFL, now looking like a dump.

Green Bay Packers (0-16) - Brett Favre might have made a bad decision in not retiring.

Houston Texans (0-16) - Reliant Stadium, once the finest stadium ever built, now looking like a dump.

Indianapolis Colts (16-0) - Hey, did you know a guy named Manning is the QB?

Jacksonville Jaguars (16-0) - Healthy Fred Taylor projected for 336 carries this season.

Kansas City Chiefs (0-16) - Lone bright spot of the season will be Damon Huard's surprising 16-0 TD:INT ratio.

Miami Dolphins (0-16) - Winless Dolphins will be unable to challenge the Patriots in the AFC East.

Minnesota Vikings (16-0) - Unlike last season's Running Back For A Week merry-go-round, the job is firmly in Chester Taylor's hands.

Oakland Raiders (0-0) - Paul Tagliabue achieves his last, greatest accomplishment in his last act as NFL Commissioner: he makes Al Davis completely invisible.

New England Patriots (16-0) - Defense will set a record with 16 game-winning safties in a season. Gillette Stadium, once the finest stadium ever built, now looking like a dump.

New Orleans Saints (16-0) - Everybody loves Reggie Bush and the Saints. They will win the Super Bowl because teams will forfeit playoff games to them out of sympathy.

New York Giants (0-16) - Hey, did you know a guy named Manning is the QB?

New York Jets (16-0) - Laverneus Coles' 2448 REC yards will lead the Jets to an improbable season.

Pittsburgh Steelers (16-0) - Freak injuries each week will cause Ben Roethlisberger to miss each game. Heinz Field, once the finest stadium ever built, now looking like a dump.

Philadeplphia Eagles (16-0) - Lincoln Financial Field, once the finest stadium ever built, now looking like a dump.

San Diego Chargers (0-0) - Fantasy players despair as LaDanlian Tomlinson will rush for 0 yards with 0 TDs, catch 0 TDs and throw for 0 TDs.

San Francisco 49ers (0-16) - Not even Frank Gore's 32 touchdowns will help this train wreck.

Seattle Seahawks (16-0) - Team will be inspired to victory each and every week to avenge last year's Super Bowl.

St. Louis Rams (16-0) - Jeff Wilkins' 96 field goals will offset the lack of killer offensive instinct.

Tampa Bay Buccaneers (0-16) - Chris Simms' poor decision making (48 projected INTs) will surely doom the Bucs.

Tennessee Titans (0-16) - You have to wonder why the Titans will carry a kicker if they won't kick a field goal or extra point this season.

Washington Redskins (0-16) - FedEx Field, once the finest stadium ever built, now looking like a dump.