SOMEWHERE OUTSIDE BROOKLINE, MA - (TCR) President Bush, citing the Boston Red Sox' continued use of weapons of mass hysteria, has commited military resources to bring about regime change and liberate Manny Ramirez.
The Calapai Report is embedded with troops on the ground to bring you coverage from the front lines.
During the first phase of the operation, dubbed "Sox and Awe" the objective is to "smoke out" mastermind Osama Bin Epstein, who has apparently fled to Cambridge.
Team owner and de facto leader of Red Sox Nation John Henry has thus far been silent, but was said to be searching the internet for inspirational Winston Churchill emails.
The MetroWest area was subdued quickly and placed under the command of General Curt Schilling.
Meanwhile, in Foxboro, where the New England Patriots are preparing for the playoffs and going for their third straight Super Bowl title, there was frustration at once again being pushed off the front pages by their hardball neighbors.
"I don't f---ing believe this s---," said Patriots spokesman Stacy James.