New Red Sox Rookie Record for Pap Smears

BOSTON - The Boston Red Sox announced that they have awarded Brigham and Women's Hospital exclusive naming rights to saves earned by Johnathan Paplebon, which will now be known as "Pap Smears."

It is believed this is the fist time naming rights have been sold for saves by a particular player.

"We're very pleased to do our part in promoting healthy lifestyles," said Red Sox General Manager Theo Epstein. "With a first-place team and record-setting performances by Johnathan, we hope to be seeing lots more games end with Pap Smears Presented By Brigham and Women's Hospital throughout the summer."

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Newest Fenway Upgrades: Better Street People

BOSTON - On Opening Day at Fenway Park, Red Sox officials unveiled their latest plan to improve the ballpark experience, hiring Phil Collins and Joe Pesci to take over the roles of some of the homeless people frequently found around the ballpark.

"Focus group data indicate fans are more comfortable with homeless people they've seen in their favorite TV shows and movies, as opposed to homeless people they have no familiarity with," said Dr. Charles Steinberg, the Red Sox' Executive Vice President/Public Affairs.

Film star Pesci of "Goodfellas" and "My Cousin Vinny" fame, will be reprising his role as Simon Wilder, the "Harvard Bum" from the movie "With Honors."

Former "Genesis" drummer and solo artist Collins will be set up on the Mass Pike overpass playing drums on plastic buckets.