ARod Demands To Be Included In The Mitchell Report

NEW YORK - New York Yankees third baseman Alex Rodrigeuz today insisted that if his name is not included in the Mitchell Report, he will work with his agent, Scott Boras, to make the report is amended to include him.

"I know some people are hoping that they aren't included," said Rodriguez. "But I hear there are a lot of the elite names involved and I don't think I should be left out."

"As I've said repeatedly: ARod isn't afraid of greatness," agent Scott Boras said.

Petrino Resigns As Arkansas Coach

FAYETTEVILLE, AK - Bobby Petrino has resigned as coach of the Arkansas Razorbacks less than 24 hours after the press conference announcing his hiring.

He is expected to be the leading candidate to replace former Michigan Wolverines head coach Les Miles, who resigned the position four hours before accepting it.

Arthur Blank Clarifies Vick Comments

FLOWERY BRANCH, GA - Atlanta Falcons owner Arthur Blank clarified his contraversial comments from last night's Monday Night Football telecast.

"My comments about Michael Vick eating fried chicken in prison and gaining weight were misrepresented," explained Blank. "Clearly all the watermelon he would also eat would flush out all the grease and keep his muscle tone finely tuned in the way that makes him genetically predisposed to be a great athlete."

Blank then went on to say he was "suprised a white guy like Bobby Petrino would quit" before panicked members of the Falcons media department escorted him away.