WEEI's Dennis & Callahan To Debut "Whiteys"

BOSTON - The WEEI "Dennis & Callahan" morning show will debut a new feature at the end of their show called "The Whitey Line."

Modeled after the popular "Whiner Line" from the afternoon show, hosts Dennis & Callahan will provide a forum for callers to share their views about how the inferiorities minorities. Any actual sports content is not required, a station source said.

"They feel that there isn't a show in this market that openly caters to racists, and they felt they could change their show and serve that audience," said the source on the condition of anonymity. "So to cater to racists, they're adding this segment and, um, well...that's about all the changes the show actually needed."

"They have made inroads into this audience before, particularly in 2003 and just this past week. We think they're going to do fine."

And like the Whiner Line, there will be a gala celebration at the beginning of each year for the Whitey Line. The hosts and theier favorite callers will don white robes on Martin Luther King, Jr. Day and march through Roxbury.

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The 2006 Craphonso Thorpe Award Nominees

The five finalists for the Craphonso Thorpe Award for the best incoming NFL name. Until last year this was known as the "What Was Your Mother Thinking?" award.

D'Qwell Jackson - You just know the Plain Dealer Copy Editors are drooling with the proospect of turning a "D'Qwelling the riot" phrase in a headline.
Jerious Norwood - Is this like "Yahoo Serious" from Norwood instead of Australia?
Parys Haralson - Paris Hilton and Woody Harrelson had a child, and it can't spell. Surprise, surprise.
Johnny Jolly - Sounds like a character you'd find in a Ron Jeremy movie."Hi, I'm Johnny Jolly and I'm here to fix your air conditioning." "Well, you better hurry because me and my hot, horny girlfriends are gonna keep taking our clothes off until its fixed." (CUE MUSIC)
Le Kevin Smith - If you ask someone in France who directed "Clerks" this is the answer you get.

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New Red Sox Rookie Record for Pap Smears

BOSTON - The Boston Red Sox announced that they have awarded Brigham and Women's Hospital exclusive naming rights to saves earned by Johnathan Paplebon, which will now be known as "Pap Smears."

It is believed this is the fist time naming rights have been sold for saves by a particular player.

"We're very pleased to do our part in promoting healthy lifestyles," said Red Sox General Manager Theo Epstein. "With a first-place team and record-setting performances by Johnathan, we hope to be seeing lots more games end with Pap Smears Presented By Brigham and Women's Hospital throughout the summer."

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Newest Fenway Upgrades: Better Street People

BOSTON - On Opening Day at Fenway Park, Red Sox officials unveiled their latest plan to improve the ballpark experience, hiring Phil Collins and Joe Pesci to take over the roles of some of the homeless people frequently found around the ballpark.

"Focus group data indicate fans are more comfortable with homeless people they've seen in their favorite TV shows and movies, as opposed to homeless people they have no familiarity with," said Dr. Charles Steinberg, the Red Sox' Executive Vice President/Public Affairs.

Film star Pesci of "Goodfellas" and "My Cousin Vinny" fame, will be reprising his role as Simon Wilder, the "Harvard Bum" from the movie "With Honors."

Former "Genesis" drummer and solo artist Collins will be set up on the Mass Pike overpass playing drums on plastic buckets.

Carrying A Torch For The Olympic Spirit

Between Bood Miller and Lindsey Jacobellie and whatever the hell is going on with the speedskating team, I don't want to hear any more BS about the great Olympic spirit and how it's so much more "pure" than professionals.

Granted, there are lots of great stories and personalities in the Olympics. But there are in the pro ranks, too. What about Jim Eisenrich, the guy with Tourette's? Or Curtis Pride, or Jim Abbot? And that's just baseball.

I was sick of Bood (when he puts an "i" in his name is when I'll start pronouncing it "Bodie") before the games even started. He's another one of these "Nike" creations. I realize he probably doesn't have an endorsement deal with Nike, and other sporting goods companies do it, but you know what i mean: Nike (or Reebok or wahtever) sign this endorsement deal with a player and hype them to the hilt regardless of their success of lack thereof on the field. It worked well for Nike and Michael Jordan; it is failing miserably for Nike and Michael Vick, who without that Nike contract is just Michael Bishop. Well, I shouldn't say it doesn't work for Vick - he somehow got the Falcons to sign him to a monster contract despite the fact he;s garbage as a QB.

I don't know who is behind the Bodie hype, but lets hope it ends. And all the skiers and snowboarders in general - they;ve got more arrogance than the University of Miami receiving corps.

Clemens: Insert Rocketman Reentry Headline Here
Okay, let me just get this out of the way right here: I would love to see Clemens sign with the Sox and everyone lives happily ever after. I don't really hold the Yankees years against him that much. Although in 1986 I was much more a Bruce Hurst/Wade Boggs fan, I've come to admire and respect Clemens. (And no, I wasn't on the "Clemens is in the twilight of his career" bandwagon when he left. I thought he had more left in the tank; not THIS much, but I didn't agree with the call at the time).

That being said, I'd say a small part of me is kinda hoping the Sox sign him and then turn heel on him. I hear people saying, "Well, Clemens obviously won;t be expected to be here all the time" and "Of course he;ll get special treatment." But part of me would like to see John henry sign the contract with Clemens and say,

"Thank you Roger, and now we have a surprise for you: we've hired a special liason to take charge of all your personal needs."

Clemens: "Well, gee, that's right kind of you Mr. henry."

Henry: "Okay, well, here he is...Roger, meet your new liason to the club, Mr. Dan Duquette. I believe you've met."

Duquette: "Hello Roger. Here, why don't you carry our luggage."

Clemens: "NOOOOOOO!!!!!!!"

Henry: "Don't hurt your arm on those bags, Yankee boy."

NASCAR: Daytona 500
Ah, nice to see my home-away-from-home taking the spotlight. Five years since Dale Sr. died. I still can't get over how the sport took off after that. Well, I have theories about the TV coverage and all that, but still...it seems odd that they kick off the season with the Super Bowl of car racing. I guess its because of tying up sponsors with a strong showing of something like that (unless "Days of Thunder" has lied to me) but damn, that would have been like the NBA of the 90's kicking off each season with Game 7 of the NBA Finals, and killing off Michael Jordan in the final minute, puntuated by a "NBA...it's FAAAAAANN-tastic" promo at the end.

Stoopid Announcers
A couple of nice ones to share from today. And none from the NASCAR crews!
from Olympics, during figure skating competition (long story...I was too far away from the remote control to change it) I guess there's a move called a "twizzle" and one of the annoucners (not sure who, but it was a male figure skating announcer so I guess you can guess the hip-quotient going on here) said something to the effect of, "Was there a shanizzle, too?"

Snoop Dogg lingo in figure skating. like seeing Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny in the same room.

The other one was from a Stuart Scott NBA All-Stars on SportsCenter report. it wasn't from Stuart, but it seemed only appropriate it was during his segment: a reporter was talking about how many people attribute the global reach of the NBA to the fact that USA Basketball "has always used professionals, since 1992."

Huh? Time didn't exist before 1992?

Well, that's all for this week. Hope to have a parody news story up this week.

Be excellent to one another.

Winter Wonderland

I watched (for the most part) the opening ceremonies of the Olympics last night. Why? Good question. Maybe it was because I wanted to be inspired by the sight of the Koreans walking in as one team. More likley it was to see those lonely one-person contingents, where the poor guy or gal has to carry the flag and wave maniacially, as if they have to spread enough cheer to make up for dozens of nonexistant teammates. Or to wonder what the heck a race car pit stop has to do with anything in the winder olympics?

But the main thing that struck me was the fact that every team came out to some bad American Disco song. The topper was when a country actually came out to Disco Inferno. Now that I think of it, usually when sentences contain the words "came out" and "Disco Inferno" they are on another subject entirely.

I remember back to a college philosophy class - I think they called it the "Evil Genuis" theory where some evil genius is creating the world around us for our own benefit. When teams from around the world can't come up with better music than Disco Inferno for what's supposed to be the pinnacle of their careers, it makes me think that the Evil Genius got lazy with the details and hoped I wouldn't notice.

Watching some of the Olympics tonight, it seems as if they jump around too much and focus on American athletes way too much. This isn't a very original gripe - they get killed for this every two years. But I'm not sure what they can do about it. If they covered everything they wouldn't be able to broadcast anything else. And if they cut Americans from the broadcast you're gonna hear things like, "I don't give a damn about the Ethiopian skier, I want to see if Bode Miller is drunk." So it's a can't win situation for the network. I do fault the network for paying such an outragous fee for such a flawed property.

At least they'll have hockey soon. you know, the "good" kind of hockey with wide-open ice surfaces and fleet skaters. Janet Jones with bet you $75,000 that no one will really care about the "good" Olympic hockey.

Because what they need is old-school hockey. And I'm not just talking about fighting, although that's part of it. But back in the day when the NHL was populated with Canadian farmboys who came into the league with a sense of toughness and honor. Guys who may not have been considered "book smart" while pitching hay on an Alberta farm but come to the big city and somehow seem to be a step ahead of everyone else. Now, hockey players are almost indistinguishable from baseball players. I don't know the guy personally, but I don't think Ian Moran would last long on the Big Bad Bruins of yonder and have an article about his metrosexuality printed in the Globe. I'm pretty sure that if anyone even THOUGHT about asking Phil Esposity if he was a metrosexual, a couple of Bruno-Scarfo's finest associates would teach the questioner a whole new definition of uincomfortable.

Goodbye Cruel Boston

Inspired by Johnny Damon's goodbye ad in the Boston Globe today, but unable to spend loads of George Steinbrenner's money, former Boston sports figure chose to place their heartfelt farewell ads on The Calapai Report...
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I could barely stand and I still led the team in stolen bases. I played my heart out, and you people never let me forget that one damned ground ball. And now you're saying I'm off the hook since you won a World Series? I hope you choke on the World Series trophy and die.

Love, Bill Buckner
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I played in Boston?!

Swiftly Yours, Cliff Floyd
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CRRRAAAAACCCCKKKKKK!

M. McSorely
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I said, "Goodbye" - G-O-O-D-B-I-E.

Mrs. Terry Glenn
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Dear Fellowship of the Miserable:

I ain't walking through that door again.

Sincerely, Rick Pitino

PS: Your town SUCKS.

No Time Like The Present To Change Halftime

Also: Bandwagon Pats Fans With Nothing To Do
Click Here to read my "expert" analysis of Super Bowl Commercials

The Super Bowl Halftime Show is like the Defense of the Dark Arts teacher at Hogwarts: There's a new one every year. They come with high hopes all around, and by the time next year rolls around, they're bringing in another doomed candidate to try to erase the distaste from the year before.

Don't get me wrong: I like the Stones. I liked McCartney. Okay, so I couldn't give a flying you-know-what about Janet Jackson and Danny Wood or whoever it was that year. But my point is, the Super Bowl halftime show is a complete disaster unbecoming an event the magnitude of a Super Bowl.

With the big-name rock acts, they only get, what, three songs? And they're old songs. Who cares about watching the Stones play three songs from the 60's - you can get a whole concert DVD, probably many of them. And it usually takes them a few songs to get warmed up - by the time the Stones got in gear it was time to go. With the exception of U2 in Super Bowl 36, they've been disasters, in my opinion.

But I know how to fix that.

First, bring back marching bands. Do the natural thing when things go all bad - go back to the roots. But don't get just any old marching band, get ones from the southern schools, like the FAMU Rattlers. When I was in Miami, we would book FAMU for football just to get the band down there. Our own band would get booed off the field, but the FAMU band was awesome. I'm talking about "Drumline" bands here.

Another idea brought me back to the old Mini One-On-One they had during Bruins games. Do they do that anymore? Anyway, have a couple of youth all-star teams face off. Maybe have them each start at the 20-yard lines, each side gets two possessions or something like that. I'm sure rules could be arranged so it would fit a halftime schedule, and they'd have the "Awwww" factor going on.

Hey, the ideas might be cheesy, but I think they're at least better than what they have now.

INTERMISSION: Dumb Super Bowl Comment
One of the ESPNers during the pregame show, talking about how the Super Bowl is different from other games, was trying to describe the spectacle including "they're gonna have jets flying overhead..."

Um...buddy? The games in a dome. If there are jets flying overhead. There are serious problems and its likely the game isn't going to be played.

Bandwagon Pats Fans With Nothing To Do Today
Actually, this is a media issue. I don't know anyone who actually said this, but the media makes it sound like we're all supposed to not know what to do with ourselves because we don't know what its like to not have the patriots in the Super Bowl. I kinda remember many of the previous 35 years when the Patriots were NOT a lock for the Super Bowl. Either these people are bandwagon fans or related to the Mr. Short-Term memory guy Tom Hanks played on Saturday Night Live. Just stupid, stupid media invention to try to stir up stuff, kinda like the Johnny Damon hate-fest they're currently trying to spin, but more on that later.

Brady Overwhelmed By Medical Help

FOXBOROUGH, MA (TCR) - New England Patriots quarterback Tom Brady has been innundated with offers from women who have offered to massage his injured groin.

"Some of them are medical professionals who make quite technical arguments about how it would help," said Brady.

Team doctors said that while the offers are kind, they will probably seek more conventional treatments.

Cameron Crazies Institutionalized

DURHAM, NC (TCR) - State welfare officials today ordered severeal hundred Duke basketball fans to a pychiatric hospital for evaluation.

"Its tragic that these people were exploited by ESPN and other sports networks," said Dr. April Spectra. "These people are really, really ill."

Spectra said the fans were often unable to care for themselves and suffered delusions like thinking they were attending the "Harvard of the South."

"DUKE RUUULLLEEEEZZZZZZ" cried Barry Klester, a self-described Cameron Crazy as he was being led away to a safe environment for treatment.

Marlins Announce New Revenue Source

DAVIE, FL (TCR) - The struggling Florida Marlins announced a new deal that they hope will bring in much-needed revenue to help keep the club afloat and possibly build a new stadium.

"We were contacted by some nice folks from Nigeria for an urgent business relationship," explained owner Jeffrey Loria. "They presently have over $20 million dollars floating in the Nigerian Central Bank and need help to transfer it out of the country. We hope that by helping them, they will reward us with a generous investment into the team, or perhaps buy tickets to a game when the Brewers are in town."

Loria did not respond to follow-up emails as he was working on an email forwarding project for Microsoft.

17% Of CHB Bitterness

Also...
The All-Most Red Sox Team
NFL Games on the NFL Network

SUNDAY, JAN 29th - Well, if you've been here before you'll know that this site has been strictly parody sports news. But to add a new wrinkle to the experiment, I've decided to put my Sports Journalism class from 1994 to good use and try my hand at writing a column.

So in my first crack at it, I'd like to extend an apology to a columnist who has been doing this a heck of a lot longer than I. He's not real popular these days, and I can't say I've ever been a fan, but I;d like to take this opportunity to apologize to Boston Globe sports columnist Dan Shaughnessy.

You see, Mr. Shaughnessy makes it abundantly clear in his columns that he resents having to add in the disclaimer that the Globe owns 17% of the Boston Red Sox. Most writers handle it with a stale aside in parentheses, but Mr. Shaughnessy works it in with some sort of snide remark.

I'm sorry this clearly annoys you so. I really am.

I can see your point - you have to say the same damned thing each and every time. Plus it detracts from the flow of writing. If I were in your shoes, it would annoy me too.

And I'm sorry because despite my understanding of your frustration, I'm going to insist that you put it in every damned thing that you or anyone else at the Globe writes about the Red Sox.

I want to see it in every story. In every notebook. And especially in every damned story about "Fenway Neighborhood Improvements" that seem to include so much less community outrage than before the 17% ever came into play. The Globe made the bed, now it has to sleep in it. Deal with it.

And lastly, I'm sorry if this sounds paranoid or negative but we are a negative society by nature; otherwise, Groundhog Day would be on August 2nd and six more weeks of summer would be at stake.

The All-Most Red Sox Team
Speaking of the Sox, is it just me or could the team field a seriously killer lineup with players who have ALMOST played for them?

And I'm not talking about just trade rumors, but guys who were signed, sealed, delivered, only to have some sort of bizarre Red Sawxian drama get in the way?

Heck, you could probably field half a team just from Manny Ramirez almost-trades.

I guess some star power was taken from this team now that the Coco Crisp trade has gone through, but does this type of stuff happen to other teams? (I mean, besides the teams the Red Sox are trying to deal with)

I know, dumb question.

NFL on NFL
The NFL has grown so successful and powerful that its tough to imagine them plummeting back to earth.

Well the latest TV deal with a new package shown on the NFL Network might provide some insight in the years to come.

I'm sure folks in the league offices will convince themselves they have achieved their success through great leadership, a great product, great marketing, etc.

They're delusional. And that will be their downfall if they don't keep it in check.

The reason the NFL is so popular is that it is the greatest TV sport in the world, because of the way it is scheduled.

First they play primarily on Sundays at 1pm. What else is there to watch? Infomercials and bad 80's films like Roadhouse. (Which up until recently was my greatest Guilty Pleasure Movie but I'll save that for another column) You have some West Coast games on at 4pm. That means in the span of just over six hours, more than 85% of the league's schedule for the week is played.

Think about that. In other sports games are spread out over the entire week. The Celtics or Bruins might play 2-3 times a week but there are league games every night. Kobe Bryant scored 81 points on a dark night for the Celtics. If you're watching a Patriots game and Shaun Alexander is gunning for a 300-yard game, you can be sure you're going to know about it as it happens. You're not only watching the Patriots game, you're watching the NFL. Both of you who are still watching the Bruins this year are just watching the Bruins; you might get some scoreboard updates but that's about all.

Granted, baseball teams generally play all at the same time. But they play 162 games - you're not as invested in them. You watch a Patriots game, you're watching 1/16th of the season. You watch a red Sox game and you're watching 1/162nd of their season - its just not the same. And you have the same problem of catching up with the league - no one does across-the-league cut-ins better than a network carrying NFL games.

I am convinced that the main reason the XFL failed so miserably was because of their failure to schedule games on Sundays at 1pm. Instead, NASCAR pushed their way into it and have enjoyed record popularity since.

The new NFL on NFL package is dangerous because it dilutes the schedule that much more. Plus they're on a channel hardly anyone gets. They're going to carry games over-the-air in local markets, but in a league that thrives and depends on being in the forefront, its dangerous to push anything into the background. I'm not saying this deal will kill the league, but its indicative of arrogance that could lead to a downfall.

Well, that's about it for this week. Check back on Mondays Wednesdays and Fridays for more fake sports news, plus each weekend for more columns. If you're interested in seeing a comedy show, check out my schedule at Joe Calapai Comedy. Thanks for reading!

Bonds To Star In CSI: BALCO

HOLLYWOOD (Wire Services) - After plans for an ESPN reality show were universally panned, sources for the mercurial slugger said he would star in the next CSI spin-off instead.

Ironically, CSI: BALCO will be about law enforcement agents who chase down people who use steroids.

Bonds will play the lead agent, Kent Jeffries. He is described as a reclusive former baseball slugger who is haunted by his own demons and is slightly difficult to deal with.

"We think Barry is an ideal choice for this subject matter and he doesn't seem to be difficult to deal with at all," said CSI producer Jerry Bruckheimer. Bruckheimer admitted he has never actually met Bonds.

French To Use Tour To Invade London

PARIS (TCR) - French sport officials announced that the first stage of the Tour De France will be in London.

But sources on both sides indicate it is a sinister plot by France to invade London.

"You think we would just give them part of the race?" a French official asked, speaking under the condition of anonymity. "We've waged wars over less. They will never know what hit them!"

Basil St. Brean, a British interior official, acknowledged the threat but said they were taking no steps to stop it.

"Honestly, do you know nothing about the French military history?" St. Brean asked. "We're actually looking forward to saving money on bedsheets by simply collecting all the surrender flags from the French when they arrive."

Posting Schedule

My goal is to update every Monday, Wedneday and Friday (or late Sunday, Tuesday etc. nights, more likely). Monday will probably be a column, Wednesday will probably be a news parody and Friday will be some sort of roundup of the week's news. I have a couple of ideas for that but I'm not sure if they're feasible.

As always, feedback is welcomed. This is an experiment and I'm tinkering away, trying to get the content down on a free site before I try to launch it as a stand-alone site. Thanks!

Red Sox Outfield Plans Spoiled By Copyright Laws

BOSTON (TCR) - Just as the Red Sox were on the verge of trading for Cleveland outfielder Coco Crisp, the team learned that it was being sued for copyright infringement.

Crisp was just the first phase of a plan that was going to radically change the outfield next season. It was learned that the team was also in talks to acquire Milton Bradley, and was successful in talking Howard Johnson out of retirement.

According to government sources, there is an investigation underway to determine if reports are true that the Red Sox were pressuring those companies for advertising revenues.

Sam Horn Faces Huge Paternity Lawsuit

BOSTON (TCR) - Former Boston Red Sox slugger Sam Horn learned today he is the subject of a massive paternity suit.

According to lawyers of the Sons of Sam Horn, each member of the popular web site is demanding retroactve child support from the current Red Sox TV analyst.

"I categorically deny the charges," Horn said in a statement. "Who do they think I am, Wilt Chamberlain? And there is no way - repeat, no way - that I fathered Schilling. And hell, John Henry is older than I am!"

Horn declined to say how he would defend himself except to say, "Let's just say some of those 'sons' are actually 'daughters' so I think they're credibility is in question."

Searching For People Stunned By Epstein's Return

BOSTON (TCR) - Several Boston-area news reporters are dismayed by the daunting task of finding people who are genuinely surprised by Theo Epstein's return to the Boston Red Sox.

"The editors want the story to be 'Theo's Stunning Return' but it was the worst-kept secret in the sports world," said one reporter who wished to remain anonymous.

"Its been overanalyzed to death already," he said. "The only burning question here is what animal costume did Theo wear on his way back into Fenway Park."

Another local reporter echoed the frustration.

"I thought I hit paydirt - a guy emerging from a three-year-long coma," she said. "I figured he didn't know anything about the drama of the past few months. But unfortunately he didn't know that Theo had left in the first place, and when I mentioned the World Series thing, the poor guy had a heart attack."

NBA To Auction Fan Brawls For Charity

NEW YORK (TCR) - The NBA announced that instead of trying to figure out ways to prevent players from going into the stands, they will instead embrace the phenomenon and use it as a way to generate revenue for charitable causes.

"We looked into fencing off the court but the fire marshalls rejected that idea," said NBA Vice President for Basketball Operations Stu Jackson. "So we figured if they're going to do it anyway, why not make some money off it - for charity, of course."

According to Jackson, there will be a special "Brawling Section" where players can go to vent their anger. The section's location will differ by venue, but it will be within beer-cup throwing distance of the visiting team's bench.

Pats Loss Not The End Of The World - Or Is It? - Vatican

VATICAN CITY (TCR) - While New England Patriots fans tried to cope with the team's playoff loss to Denver by assuring themselves, "It's not the end of the world," sources in the Vatican aren't so sure.

They say the Patriots loss may be interpreted as a sign that the end of the world is indeed upon us.

"The prophecy states, 'And the mighty one will lead them to the highest of heights, where they will meet their deepest of depths, and that shall mark the beginning of the end of time,'" said a Vatican source familiar with the prophecy. The Broncos, of course, play home games at Invesco Field at Mile High, and the Patriots certainly played at their lowest level on Saturday night.

"Pope Benedict was asking everyone to pray for a Patriots victory," said the source, who did not wish to be identified. "It could be he wanted to ward off the prophecy. Either that, or there were some rumors he had someone put some money on the Patriots when they were 4-4 earlier in the season."

The prophecy parchment was found along with a wood carving of a hooded figure wearing robes with the number 12 on them and a Patriots logo.