The Calapai Report

The Caps Did WHAT To The Bruins?

2008-12-11T06:17:00.004-05:00

According to Boston.com, the Bruins got more than defeated last night. Check it out, under the sports links in the left-hand nav...

ARod Demands To Be Included In The Mitchell Report

2007-12-12T22:41:00.000-05:00

NEW YORK - New York Yankees third baseman Alex Rodrigeuz today insisted that if his name is not included in the Mitchell Report, he will work with his agent, Scott Boras, to make the report is amended to include him.

"I know some people are hoping that they aren't included," said Rodriguez. "But I hear there are a lot of the elite names involved and I don't think I should be left out."

"As I've said repeatedly: ARod isn't afraid of greatness," agent Scott Boras said.

Petrino Resigns As Arkansas Coach

2007-12-12T22:38:00.001-05:00

FAYETTEVILLE, AK - Bobby Petrino has resigned as coach of the Arkansas Razorbacks less than 24 hours after the press conference announcing his hiring.

He is expected to be the leading candidate to replace former Michigan Wolverines head coach Les Miles, who resigned the position four hours before accepting it.

Arthur Blank Clarifies Vick Comments

2007-12-11T23:27:00.000-05:00

FLOWERY BRANCH, GA - Atlanta Falcons owner Arthur Blank clarified his contraversial comments from last night's Monday Night Football telecast.

"My comments about Michael Vick eating fried chicken in prison and gaining weight were misrepresented," explained Blank. "Clearly all the watermelon he would also eat would flush out all the grease and keep his muscle tone finely tuned in the way that makes him genetically predisposed to be a great athlete."

Blank then went on to say he was "suprised a white guy like Bobby Petrino would quit" before panicked members of the Falcons media department escorted him away.

Dungy Angers Colts Fans By Not Calling Them "Best"

2007-02-06T23:00:00.000-05:00

INDIANAPOLIS, IN - Super Bowl winning coach Tony Dungy disappointeed legions of Indianapolis fans with his frank assessment of their place in the American sports heirarchy.

"I'm glad we could win this for you - the Indianapolis fans - among the Top 20 fan bases in the country, maybe even high teens!" Dungy said to a somewhat tepid response.

Quarterback Peyton Manning defended his coach.

"Hey, every year you hear every single coach and player tell their fans, 'You guys are the best fans in the world' - well, they can't ALL be Number One," Manning explained. "Logically, only one city can have the best fans in the world."

When asked what city he felt had the best fans in the world, Manning replied, "Indianapolis, of course. I'm not a moron."

When asked to elaborate, Dungy softened his stance.

"Oh, they're probably better than the Top 20, even high teens," said Dungy. "I mean, I was just ballparking and since the market is so small, I figured Top 20 would have been a compliment. But to say the best - well, that's just silly. I mean, we couldn't even fill up the RCA Dome but the Patriots shut down Boston and their fans line the streets - outdoors in the cold for the entire celebration, I might add - whenever they win the Super Bowl."

An Advertisement With Peyton Manning

2007-02-06T22:53:00.000-05:00

(Due to financial constraints, we will occassionally devote some space to Mr. Peyton Manning to share his latest offers with you. Now that he is a Super Bowl MVP and he has never met a commerical he doesn't like, this will be a frequent segment.)

"Hi, I'm Super Bowl MVP Peyton Manning, and when I'm attempting to murder my astronaught boyfriend's lover, I only use Pepper Johnson-brand pepper spray!"

A Pat On The Back

2007-02-06T22:49:00.000-05:00

I don't mean to brag, but apparently someone in the NFL - or possibly Prince - is reading my stuff.

At Super Bowl XLI, the FAMU Marching Band was in the halftime show, something I called for a full year earlier.

Of course, my idea was to make them the centerpiece of the show, not some novelty sideshow to Prince. But hey, close enough.

Authorities Thwart Davis Plan To Nuke Oakland

2007-01-09T21:45:00.000-05:00

WASHINGTON, DC - Federal authorities say they broke up a plan by Al Davis to launch a nuclear attack in the city of Oakland.

Sources say the Raiders owner saw the success the New Orleans Saints enjoyed after tragedy struck their city, and hoped to replicate that in Oakland.

"He's old and he doesn't have much time left," said a a government official. "Unfortunately, he doesn't have Drew Brees and Reggie Bush, either."

Oakland Mayor Jerry Brown said he was not alarmed.

"Are you kdding me?" asked Brown. "Three-quarters of our city's disaster preperation manual are devoted to Raiders-related catastrophes."

Sen. John Kerry Endorses, Then Condemns Saban Move

2007-01-09T21:31:00.000-05:00

WASHINGTON, DC - Senator John Kerry (D-MA) backed off his initial support of Nick Saban abandoning the Miami Dolphins for the University of Alabama.

"I was for his move before I was against it," acknowledged Kerry.

Kerry went on to say that he doesn't think Saban was lying when he insisted just days earlier that he would not be the head coach at Alabama.

"You see, Nick Saban is a leader just like me, " Kerry explained. "Leaders make tough decisions. And sometimes we make lots of them. We're not changing our minds; we're simply just making multiple decisions because we're so good at it."

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Stop The Manny Insanity!

2006-12-02T22:27:00.000-05:00

I can't believe the Red Sox are trying to go through with this media-fueled Trade Manny nonsense again. And hopefully its just media hype and the Sox aren't seriously considering this. But if so, let's call the situation out for what it is: Racism and Greed.

The fact that the Sox seem to be "replacing" Manny with JD Drew is laughable. Drew doesn't come near Manny's production. As much as "journalists" in Boston bash Manny for "taking games off" he's a heck of a lot more durable than Drew is. And there is a lot of questions about Drew's desire to play through injuries and his commitment to teams. But he's white, so I guess that makes it okay for "journalists" like Gerry Callahan.

Moreover, manny is known to not be coorperative to the media, rarely if ever speaking to them. Aha! Now we get to the REAL root of the problem. The overwhelmingly white Boston "journalists" want Manny out because he won't play by their rules. And for some reason, the Red Sox management seems to think these "journalists" represent the fans of Red Sox Nation. Well, I got news for you: rank-and-file FANS DON'T GIVE A RAT'S ASS IF MANNY TALKS TO THE MEDIA OR NOT.You ever hear some of the racist hatred Callahan spews on his show? Remember the METCO Gorilla "joke"? I wouldn't talk to the bunch, either.

Would Manny get the same treatment if he were white? Perhaps. But that's where Greed comes in, because these "journalists" are all media whores. None of them will write for their paper and leave it at that. They have to cash in on the radio, on TV, etc. And the players do, too, don't get me wrong. It's like incest, really, they're all in bed together.

If Manny were white, or if he knelt down and tossed the "journalists' salald and gave them dirt on his teammates, appeared in a weekly "Manny Being Manny Presented By Boch Toyota" segment on WEEI, I guarantee you there woulnd't be this coordinated media campaign to run him out of town.

Is Manny just shy? Is he an asshole who thinks he's above the fans and his teammates? Or maybe he just sees the disgusting "journalistic" situation in Boston for what it is and chooses not to participate? I don't know the guy so I don't know, but I wouldn't blame him if he did.

NFL Injury Report

2006-09-28T01:02:00.000-04:00

JEREMY SHOCKEY
Injury: Kennel Coughlin
Status: Probable
Diagnosis: Procedure to remove his foot from his mouth was clumsy at best. However, his residence in Coach Coughlin's doghouse should severely limit his stats.

TERRELL OWENS
Injury: Attention Deficit Disorder
Status: Doubtful
Diagnosis: Not expected to play in low-profile game vs. Tennessee in Week Four. However, he is expected to be ready for high-profile game vs. Philadelphia in Week Five.

CINCINNATI BENGALS
Injury: Criminally Insane
Status: Probable
Diagnosis: They have traded "So bad it's crazy" for "So crazy they're good" and are expected to compete for the AFC North Division championship as long as they can keep enough players out of jail or at least on work-release.

TOM BRADY

Injury: Manningitis

Status: Probable

Diagnosis: Suffered from an uncharacteristic bout of whining in Week Three. Training staff feels that with more application of Doug Gabriel this condition could disappear entirely

BEN ROETHLISBERGER
Injury: Bubonic Plague
Status: Doubtful
Diagnosis: Instead of taking on the NFL Record Book, Big Ben this season seems intent on taking on the New England Journal of Medicine.

ROY WILLIAMS
Injury: Predictionectomy
Status: Probable
Diagnosis: Not expected to make any more predictions after realizing that he does, in fact, play for the Detroit Lions.

Into The NFL Looking Glass

2006-09-11T23:38:00.000-04:00

2006 NFL Season: Most "experts" take all the information gleaned from the preseason, going on their Training Camp Tours to backwater college campuses to figure out how the NFL season will shake out.

Well, here at the Calapai Report, we know something they apparently don't know: the preseason don't mean a damn thing! So what we've done is wait until most of the first regular season games have been played (you know, the ones that actually mean something), taken all the buzz from them, and used THAT to base our season predictions. So, here we go:

(Projected record in parentheses)

Arizona Cardinals (16-0) - Kurt Warner is back, and Cardinals Stadium is surely the finest stadium ever built.

Atlanta Falcons (16-0) - Everyone at Nike breathes a sigh of relief with Michael Vick's resurgence, although the Falcons will be disappointed with Ashley Lelie's 16 receptions this season.

Baltimore Ravens (16-0) - Rejuvenated Ravens defense will be led by a strong season by Chris McAllister - projected for 16 interceptions returned for touchdowns; 960 total INT return yards.

Buffalo Bills (0-16) - JP Losman will be unspectacular at QB, throwing 0 TDs and 0 INTs.

Carolina Panthers (0-16) - Super Bowl hopes dashed because Jake Delhomme will throw 0 TD passes this season.

Chicago Bears (16-0) - Vaunted Bears defense will overshadow legendary 1985 team by not allowing a single point all season.

Cincinatti Bengals (16-0) - Team will overcome a disappointing season by Chad Johnson (768 projected REC yards)

Cleveland Browns (0-16) - Charlie Frye will overcome skeptics and score every Browns TD this season. Cleveland Stadium, once the finest stadium ever built, now looking like a dump.

Dallas Cowboys (0-16) - Drew Bledsoe is an incompetent boob whose poor play brings shame to the classy professionalism and poise of Terrell Owens.

Denver Broncos (0-16) - Legendary running attack wallows as the team will be limited to using running backs named "Bell."

Detroit Lions (0-16) - Ford Field, once the finest stadium in the NFL, now looking like a dump.

Green Bay Packers (0-16) - Brett Favre might have made a bad decision in not retiring.

Houston Texans (0-16) - Reliant Stadium, once the finest stadium ever built, now looking like a dump.

Indianapolis Colts (16-0) - Hey, did you know a guy named Manning is the QB?

Jacksonville Jaguars (16-0) - Healthy Fred Taylor projected for 336 carries this season.

Kansas City Chiefs (0-16) - Lone bright spot of the season will be Damon Huard's surprising 16-0 TD:INT ratio.

Miami Dolphins (0-16) - Winless Dolphins will be unable to challenge the Patriots in the AFC East.

Minnesota Vikings (16-0) - Unlike last season's Running Back For A Week merry-go-round, the job is firmly in Chester Taylor's hands.

Oakland Raiders (0-0) - Paul Tagliabue achieves his last, greatest accomplishment in his last act as NFL Commissioner: he makes Al Davis completely invisible.

New England Patriots (16-0) - Defense will set a record with 16 game-winning safties in a season. Gillette Stadium, once the finest stadium ever built, now looking like a dump.

New Orleans Saints (16-0) - Everybody loves Reggie Bush and the Saints. They will win the Super Bowl because teams will forfeit playoff games to them out of sympathy.

New York Giants (0-16) - Hey, did you know a guy named Manning is the QB?

New York Jets (16-0) - Laverneus Coles' 2448 REC yards will lead the Jets to an improbable season.

Pittsburgh Steelers (16-0) - Freak injuries each week will cause Ben Roethlisberger to miss each game. Heinz Field, once the finest stadium ever built, now looking like a dump.

Philadeplphia Eagles (16-0) - Lincoln Financial Field, once the finest stadium ever built, now looking like a dump.

San Diego Chargers (0-0) - Fantasy players despair as LaDanlian Tomlinson will rush for 0 yards with 0 TDs, catch 0 TDs and throw for 0 TDs.

San Francisco 49ers (0-16) - Not even Frank Gore's 32 touchdowns will help this train wreck.

Seattle Seahawks (16-0) - Team will be inspired to victory each and every week to avenge last year's Super Bowl.

St. Louis Rams (16-0) - Jeff Wilkins' 96 field goals will offset the lack of killer offensive instinct.

Tampa Bay Buccaneers (0-16) - Chris Simms' poor decision making (48 projected INTs) will surely doom the Bucs.

Tennessee Titans (0-16) - You have to wonder why the Titans will carry a kicker if they won't kick a field goal or extra point this season.

Washington Redskins (0-16) - FedEx Field, once the finest stadium ever built, now looking like a dump.

Red Sox Injury Woes Solved

2006-09-03T00:18:00.000-04:00

BOSTON - Sources in the Red Sox clubhouse attribute the club's injury woes to the new team doctor, identified as Dr. Nikolas Van Helsing.
The team, which replaced Dr. Bill Morgan, the developer of the Schilling tendon Procedure, refused to comment on its choices of medical personel.

However, players have apparently been complaining for quite a while about Van Helsing's competence, or lack thereof.

Many players attribute the recent spate of injuries to Van Helsing's rather curious methods.

"Look, I'm sure that the doctor's a very sweet man basically," said one player who did not wish to be identified. "But I don't ever want to hear where they found him. Ever."

-30-

MLB Announces Plan To Reduce Red Sox, Yankee All-Star Votes

2006-06-27T23:27:00.000-04:00

NEW YORK - Faced with the prospect of 67% of the American League voted All-Stars being Red Sox and Yankees players, Commissioner Bud Selig announced a plan he hoped would bring blance to the process.

"Effective immediately, we will now allow fans to also vote AGAINST players" Selig said. "It is our intention that the rabid fan bases of the Red Sox and Yankees will vote against the players, and that will bring some parity to the process."

The plan stipulates that each negative vote will count as .5 of a vote and the total vote count will be the difference between the Yes and No votes.

"If Manny Ramirez gets 4 million votes to get on the team, and two million votes against, his total vote total would be 3 million" Selig said.

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WEEI's Dennis & Callahan To Debut "Whiteys"

2006-05-03T22:01:00.000-04:00

BOSTON - The WEEI "Dennis & Callahan" morning show will debut a new feature at the end of their show called "The Whitey Line."

Modeled after the popular "Whiner Line" from the afternoon show, hosts Dennis & Callahan will provide a forum for callers to share their views about how the inferiorities minorities. Any actual sports content is not required, a station source said.

"They feel that there isn't a show in this market that openly caters to racists, and they felt they could change their show and serve that audience," said the source on the condition of anonymity. "So to cater to racists, they're adding this segment and, um, well...that's about all the changes the show actually needed."

"They have made inroads into this audience before, particularly in 2003 and just this past week. We think they're going to do fine."

And like the Whiner Line, there will be a gala celebration at the beginning of each year for the Whitey Line. The hosts and theier favorite callers will don white robes on Martin Luther King, Jr. Day and march through Roxbury.

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The 2006 Craphonso Thorpe Award Nominees

2006-05-01T00:05:00.000-04:00

The five finalists for the Craphonso Thorpe Award for the best incoming NFL name. Until last year this was known as the "What Was Your Mother Thinking?" award.

D'Qwell Jackson - You just know the Plain Dealer Copy Editors are drooling with the proospect of turning a "D'Qwelling the riot" phrase in a headline.
Jerious Norwood - Is this like "Yahoo Serious" from Norwood instead of Australia?
Parys Haralson - Paris Hilton and Woody Harrelson had a child, and it can't spell. Surprise, surprise.
Johnny Jolly - Sounds like a character you'd find in a Ron Jeremy movie."Hi, I'm Johnny Jolly and I'm here to fix your air conditioning." "Well, you better hurry because me and my hot, horny girlfriends are gonna keep taking our clothes off until its fixed." (CUE MUSIC)
Le Kevin Smith - If you ask someone in France who directed "Clerks" this is the answer you get.

-30-

New Red Sox Rookie Record for Pap Smears

2006-04-19T00:10:00.000-04:00

BOSTON - The Boston Red Sox announced that they have awarded Brigham and Women's Hospital exclusive naming rights to saves earned by Johnathan Paplebon, which will now be known as "Pap Smears."

It is believed this is the fist time naming rights have been sold for saves by a particular player.

"We're very pleased to do our part in promoting healthy lifestyles," said Red Sox General Manager Theo Epstein. "With a first-place team and record-setting performances by Johnathan, we hope to be seeing lots more games end with Pap Smears Presented By Brigham and Women's Hospital throughout the summer."

-30-

Newest Fenway Upgrades: Better Street People

2006-04-11T23:18:00.000-04:00

BOSTON - On Opening Day at Fenway Park, Red Sox officials unveiled their latest plan to improve the ballpark experience, hiring Phil Collins and Joe Pesci to take over the roles of some of the homeless people frequently found around the ballpark.

"Focus group data indicate fans are more comfortable with homeless people they've seen in their favorite TV shows and movies, as opposed to homeless people they have no familiarity with," said Dr. Charles Steinberg, the Red Sox' Executive Vice President/Public Affairs.

Film star Pesci of "Goodfellas" and "My Cousin Vinny" fame, will be reprising his role as Simon Wilder, the "Harvard Bum" from the movie "With Honors."

Former "Genesis" drummer and solo artist Collins will be set up on the Mass Pike overpass playing drums on plastic buckets.

Carrying A Torch For The Olympic Spirit

2006-02-19T20:23:00.000-05:00

Between Bood Miller and Lindsey Jacobellie and whatever the hell is going on with the speedskating team, I don't want to hear any more BS about the great Olympic spirit and how it's so much more "pure" than professionals.

Granted, there are lots of great stories and personalities in the Olympics. But there are in the pro ranks, too. What about Jim Eisenrich, the guy with Tourette's? Or Curtis Pride, or Jim Abbot? And that's just baseball.

I was sick of Bood (when he puts an "i" in his name is when I'll start pronouncing it "Bodie") before the games even started. He's another one of these "Nike" creations. I realize he probably doesn't have an endorsement deal with Nike, and other sporting goods companies do it, but you know what i mean: Nike (or Reebok or wahtever) sign this endorsement deal with a player and hype them to the hilt regardless of their success of lack thereof on the field. It worked well for Nike and Michael Jordan; it is failing miserably for Nike and Michael Vick, who without that Nike contract is just Michael Bishop. Well, I shouldn't say it doesn't work for Vick - he somehow got the Falcons to sign him to a monster contract despite the fact he;s garbage as a QB.

I don't know who is behind the Bodie hype, but lets hope it ends. And all the skiers and snowboarders in general - they;ve got more arrogance than the University of Miami receiving corps.

Clemens: Insert Rocketman Reentry Headline Here
Okay, let me just get this out of the way right here: I would love to see Clemens sign with the Sox and everyone lives happily ever after. I don't really hold the Yankees years against him that much. Although in 1986 I was much more a Bruce Hurst/Wade Boggs fan, I've come to admire and respect Clemens. (And no, I wasn't on the "Clemens is in the twilight of his career" bandwagon when he left. I thought he had more left in the tank; not THIS much, but I didn't agree with the call at the time).

That being said, I'd say a small part of me is kinda hoping the Sox sign him and then turn heel on him. I hear people saying, "Well, Clemens obviously won;t be expected to be here all the time" and "Of course he;ll get special treatment." But part of me would like to see John henry sign the contract with Clemens and say,

"Thank you Roger, and now we have a surprise for you: we've hired a special liason to take charge of all your personal needs."

Clemens: "Well, gee, that's right kind of you Mr. henry."

Henry: "Okay, well, here he is...Roger, meet your new liason to the club, Mr. Dan Duquette. I believe you've met."

Duquette: "Hello Roger. Here, why don't you carry our luggage."

Clemens: "NOOOOOOO!!!!!!!"

Henry: "Don't hurt your arm on those bags, Yankee boy."

NASCAR: Daytona 500
Ah, nice to see my home-away-from-home taking the spotlight. Five years since Dale Sr. died. I still can't get over how the sport took off after that. Well, I have theories about the TV coverage and all that, but still...it seems odd that they kick off the season with the Super Bowl of car racing. I guess its because of tying up sponsors with a strong showing of something like that (unless "Days of Thunder" has lied to me) but damn, that would have been like the NBA of the 90's kicking off each season with Game 7 of the NBA Finals, and killing off Michael Jordan in the final minute, puntuated by a "NBA...it's FAAAAAANN-tastic" promo at the end.

Stoopid Announcers
A couple of nice ones to share from today. And none from the NASCAR crews!
from Olympics, during figure skating competition (long story...I was too far away from the remote control to change it) I guess there's a move called a "twizzle" and one of the annoucners (not sure who, but it was a male figure skating announcer so I guess you can guess the hip-quotient going on here) said something to the effect of, "Was there a shanizzle, too?"

Snoop Dogg lingo in figure skating. like seeing Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny in the same room.

The other one was from a Stuart Scott NBA All-Stars on SportsCenter report. it wasn't from Stuart, but it seemed only appropriate it was during his segment: a reporter was talking about how many people attribute the global reach of the NBA to the fact that USA Basketball "has always used professionals, since 1992."

Huh? Time didn't exist before 1992?

Well, that's all for this week. Hope to have a parody news story up this week.

Be excellent to one another.

Winter Wonderland

2006-02-10T23:53:00.000-05:00

I watched (for the most part) the opening ceremonies of the Olympics last night. Why? Good question. Maybe it was because I wanted to be inspired by the sight of the Koreans walking in as one team. More likley it was to see those lonely one-person contingents, where the poor guy or gal has to carry the flag and wave maniacially, as if they have to spread enough cheer to make up for dozens of nonexistant teammates. Or to wonder what the heck a race car pit stop has to do with anything in the winder olympics?

But the main thing that struck me was the fact that every team came out to some bad American Disco song. The topper was when a country actually came out to Disco Inferno. Now that I think of it, usually when sentences contain the words "came out" and "Disco Inferno" they are on another subject entirely.

I remember back to a college philosophy class - I think they called it the "Evil Genuis" theory where some evil genius is creating the world around us for our own benefit. When teams from around the world can't come up with better music than Disco Inferno for what's supposed to be the pinnacle of their careers, it makes me think that the Evil Genius got lazy with the details and hoped I wouldn't notice.

Watching some of the Olympics tonight, it seems as if they jump around too much and focus on American athletes way too much. This isn't a very original gripe - they get killed for this every two years. But I'm not sure what they can do about it. If they covered everything they wouldn't be able to broadcast anything else. And if they cut Americans from the broadcast you're gonna hear things like, "I don't give a damn about the Ethiopian skier, I want to see if Bode Miller is drunk." So it's a can't win situation for the network. I do fault the network for paying such an outragous fee for such a flawed property.

At least they'll have hockey soon. you know, the "good" kind of hockey with wide-open ice surfaces and fleet skaters. Janet Jones with bet you $75,000 that no one will really care about the "good" Olympic hockey.

Because what they need is old-school hockey. And I'm not just talking about fighting, although that's part of it. But back in the day when the NHL was populated with Canadian farmboys who came into the league with a sense of toughness and honor. Guys who may not have been considered "book smart" while pitching hay on an Alberta farm but come to the big city and somehow seem to be a step ahead of everyone else. Now, hockey players are almost indistinguishable from baseball players. I don't know the guy personally, but I don't think Ian Moran would last long on the Big Bad Bruins of yonder and have an article about his metrosexuality printed in the Globe. I'm pretty sure that if anyone even THOUGHT about asking Phil Esposity if he was a metrosexual, a couple of Bruno-Scarfo's finest associates would teach the questioner a whole new definition of uincomfortable.

Goodbye Cruel Boston

2006-02-09T00:45:00.000-05:00

Inspired by Johnny Damon's goodbye ad in the Boston Globe today, but unable to spend loads of George Steinbrenner's money, former Boston sports figure chose to place their heartfelt farewell ads on The Calapai Report...
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I could barely stand and I still led the team in stolen bases. I played my heart out, and you people never let me forget that one damned ground ball. And now you're saying I'm off the hook since you won a World Series? I hope you choke on the World Series trophy and die.

Love, Bill Buckner
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I played in Boston?!

Swiftly Yours, Cliff Floyd
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CRRRAAAAACCCCKKKKKK!

M. McSorely
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I said, "Goodbye" - G-O-O-D-B-I-E.

Mrs. Terry Glenn
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Dear Fellowship of the Miserable:

I ain't walking through that door again.

Sincerely, Rick Pitino

PS: Your town SUCKS.

No Time Like The Present To Change Halftime

2006-02-06T00:16:00.000-05:00

Also: Bandwagon Pats Fans With Nothing To Do
Click Here to read my "expert" analysis of Super Bowl Commercials

The Super Bowl Halftime Show is like the Defense of the Dark Arts teacher at Hogwarts: There's a new one every year. They come with high hopes all around, and by the time next year rolls around, they're bringing in another doomed candidate to try to erase the distaste from the year before.

Don't get me wrong: I like the Stones. I liked McCartney. Okay, so I couldn't give a flying you-know-what about Janet Jackson and Danny Wood or whoever it was that year. But my point is, the Super Bowl halftime show is a complete disaster unbecoming an event the magnitude of a Super Bowl.

With the big-name rock acts, they only get, what, three songs? And they're old songs. Who cares about watching the Stones play three songs from the 60's - you can get a whole concert DVD, probably many of them. And it usually takes them a few songs to get warmed up - by the time the Stones got in gear it was time to go. With the exception of U2 in Super Bowl 36, they've been disasters, in my opinion.

But I know how to fix that.

First, bring back marching bands. Do the natural thing when things go all bad - go back to the roots. But don't get just any old marching band, get ones from the southern schools, like the FAMU Rattlers. When I was in Miami, we would book FAMU for football just to get the band down there. Our own band would get booed off the field, but the FAMU band was awesome. I'm talking about "Drumline" bands here.

Another idea brought me back to the old Mini One-On-One they had during Bruins games. Do they do that anymore? Anyway, have a couple of youth all-star teams face off. Maybe have them each start at the 20-yard lines, each side gets two possessions or something like that. I'm sure rules could be arranged so it would fit a halftime schedule, and they'd have the "Awwww" factor going on.

Hey, the ideas might be cheesy, but I think they're at least better than what they have now.

INTERMISSION: Dumb Super Bowl Comment
One of the ESPNers during the pregame show, talking about how the Super Bowl is different from other games, was trying to describe the spectacle including "they're gonna have jets flying overhead..."

Um...buddy? The games in a dome. If there are jets flying overhead. There are serious problems and its likely the game isn't going to be played.

Bandwagon Pats Fans With Nothing To Do Today
Actually, this is a media issue. I don't know anyone who actually said this, but the media makes it sound like we're all supposed to not know what to do with ourselves because we don't know what its like to not have the patriots in the Super Bowl. I kinda remember many of the previous 35 years when the Patriots were NOT a lock for the Super Bowl. Either these people are bandwagon fans or related to the Mr. Short-Term memory guy Tom Hanks played on Saturday Night Live. Just stupid, stupid media invention to try to stir up stuff, kinda like the Johnny Damon hate-fest they're currently trying to spin, but more on that later.

Brady Overwhelmed By Medical Help

2006-02-02T23:54:00.000-05:00

FOXBOROUGH, MA (TCR) - New England Patriots quarterback Tom Brady has been innundated with offers from women who have offered to massage his injured groin.

"Some of them are medical professionals who make quite technical arguments about how it would help," said Brady.

Team doctors said that while the offers are kind, they will probably seek more conventional treatments.

Cameron Crazies Institutionalized

2006-02-01T23:07:00.000-05:00

DURHAM, NC (TCR) - State welfare officials today ordered severeal hundred Duke basketball fans to a pychiatric hospital for evaluation.

"Its tragic that these people were exploited by ESPN and other sports networks," said Dr. April Spectra. "These people are really, really ill."

Spectra said the fans were often unable to care for themselves and suffered delusions like thinking they were attending the "Harvard of the South."

"DUKE RUUULLLEEEEZZZZZZ" cried Barry Klester, a self-described Cameron Crazy as he was being led away to a safe environment for treatment.

Marlins Announce New Revenue Source

2006-01-29T23:25:00.000-05:00

DAVIE, FL (TCR) - The struggling Florida Marlins announced a new deal that they hope will bring in much-needed revenue to help keep the club afloat and possibly build a new stadium.

"We were contacted by some nice folks from Nigeria for an urgent business relationship," explained owner Jeffrey Loria. "They presently have over $20 million dollars floating in the Nigerian Central Bank and need help to transfer it out of the country. We hope that by helping them, they will reward us with a generous investment into the team, or perhaps buy tickets to a game when the Brewers are in town."

Loria did not respond to follow-up emails as he was working on an email forwarding project for Microsoft.

17% Of CHB Bitterness

2006-01-29T21:50:00.000-05:00

Also...
The All-Most Red Sox Team
NFL Games on the NFL Network

SUNDAY, JAN 29th - Well, if you've been here before you'll know that this site has been strictly parody sports news. But to add a new wrinkle to the experiment, I've decided to put my Sports Journalism class from 1994 to good use and try my hand at writing a column.

So in my first crack at it, I'd like to extend an apology to a columnist who has been doing this a heck of a lot longer than I. He's not real popular these days, and I can't say I've ever been a fan, but I;d like to take this opportunity to apologize to Boston Globe sports columnist Dan Shaughnessy.

You see, Mr. Shaughnessy makes it abundantly clear in his columns that he resents having to add in the disclaimer that the Globe owns 17% of the Boston Red Sox. Most writers handle it with a stale aside in parentheses, but Mr. Shaughnessy works it in with some sort of snide remark.

I'm sorry this clearly annoys you so. I really am.

I can see your point - you have to say the same damned thing each and every time. Plus it detracts from the flow of writing. If I were in your shoes, it would annoy me too.

And I'm sorry because despite my understanding of your frustration, I'm going to insist that you put it in every damned thing that you or anyone else at the Globe writes about the Red Sox.

I want to see it in every story. In every notebook. And especially in every damned story about "Fenway Neighborhood Improvements" that seem to include so much less community outrage than before the 17% ever came into play. The Globe made the bed, now it has to sleep in it. Deal with it.

And lastly, I'm sorry if this sounds paranoid or negative but we are a negative society by nature; otherwise, Groundhog Day would be on August 2nd and six more weeks of summer would be at stake.

The All-Most Red Sox Team
Speaking of the Sox, is it just me or could the team field a seriously killer lineup with players who have ALMOST played for them?

And I'm not talking about just trade rumors, but guys who were signed, sealed, delivered, only to have some sort of bizarre Red Sawxian drama get in the way?

Heck, you could probably field half a team just from Manny Ramirez almost-trades.

I guess some star power was taken from this team now that the Coco Crisp trade has gone through, but does this type of stuff happen to other teams? (I mean, besides the teams the Red Sox are trying to deal with)

I know, dumb question.

NFL on NFL
The NFL has grown so successful and powerful that its tough to imagine them plummeting back to earth.

Well the latest TV deal with a new package shown on the NFL Network might provide some insight in the years to come.

I'm sure folks in the league offices will convince themselves they have achieved their success through great leadership, a great product, great marketing, etc.

They're delusional. And that will be their downfall if they don't keep it in check.

The reason the NFL is so popular is that it is the greatest TV sport in the world, because of the way it is scheduled.

First they play primarily on Sundays at 1pm. What else is there to watch? Infomercials and bad 80's films like Roadhouse. (Which up until recently was my greatest Guilty Pleasure Movie but I'll save that for another column) You have some West Coast games on at 4pm. That means in the span of just over six hours, more than 85% of the league's schedule for the week is played.

Think about that. In other sports games are spread out over the entire week. The Celtics or Bruins might play 2-3 times a week but there are league games every night. Kobe Bryant scored 81 points on a dark night for the Celtics. If you're watching a Patriots game and Shaun Alexander is gunning for a 300-yard game, you can be sure you're going to know about it as it happens. You're not only watching the Patriots game, you're watching the NFL. Both of you who are still watching the Bruins this year are just watching the Bruins; you might get some scoreboard updates but that's about all.

Granted, baseball teams generally play all at the same time. But they play 162 games - you're not as invested in them. You watch a Patriots game, you're watching 1/16th of the season. You watch a red Sox game and you're watching 1/162nd of their season - its just not the same. And you have the same problem of catching up with the league - no one does across-the-league cut-ins better than a network carrying NFL games.

I am convinced that the main reason the XFL failed so miserably was because of their failure to schedule games on Sundays at 1pm. Instead, NASCAR pushed their way into it and have enjoyed record popularity since.

The new NFL on NFL package is dangerous because it dilutes the schedule that much more. Plus they're on a channel hardly anyone gets. They're going to carry games over-the-air in local markets, but in a league that thrives and depends on being in the forefront, its dangerous to push anything into the background. I'm not saying this deal will kill the league, but its indicative of arrogance that could lead to a downfall.

Well, that's about it for this week. Check back on Mondays Wednesdays and Fridays for more fake sports news, plus each weekend for more columns. If you're interested in seeing a comedy show, check out my schedule at Joe Calapai Comedy. Thanks for reading!

Bonds To Star In CSI: BALCO

2006-01-26T21:46:00.000-05:00

HOLLYWOOD (Wire Services) - After plans for an ESPN reality show were universally panned, sources for the mercurial slugger said he would star in the next CSI spin-off instead.

Ironically, CSI: BALCO will be about law enforcement agents who chase down people who use steroids.

Bonds will play the lead agent, Kent Jeffries. He is described as a reclusive former baseball slugger who is haunted by his own demons and is slightly difficult to deal with.

"We think Barry is an ideal choice for this subject matter and he doesn't seem to be difficult to deal with at all," said CSI producer Jerry Bruckheimer. Bruckheimer admitted he has never actually met Bonds.

French To Use Tour To Invade London

2006-01-24T22:58:00.000-05:00

PARIS (TCR) - French sport officials announced that the first stage of the Tour De France will be in London.

But sources on both sides indicate it is a sinister plot by France to invade London.

"You think we would just give them part of the race?" a French official asked, speaking under the condition of anonymity. "We've waged wars over less. They will never know what hit them!"

Basil St. Brean, a British interior official, acknowledged the threat but said they were taking no steps to stop it.

"Honestly, do you know nothing about the French military history?" St. Brean asked. "We're actually looking forward to saving money on bedsheets by simply collecting all the surrender flags from the French when they arrive."

Posting Schedule

2006-01-24T22:54:00.000-05:00

My goal is to update every Monday, Wedneday and Friday (or late Sunday, Tuesday etc. nights, more likely). Monday will probably be a column, Wednesday will probably be a news parody and Friday will be some sort of roundup of the week's news. I have a couple of ideas for that but I'm not sure if they're feasible.

As always, feedback is welcomed. This is an experiment and I'm tinkering away, trying to get the content down on a free site before I try to launch it as a stand-alone site. Thanks!

Red Sox Outfield Plans Spoiled By Copyright Laws

2006-01-23T23:26:00.000-05:00

BOSTON (TCR) - Just as the Red Sox were on the verge of trading for Cleveland outfielder Coco Crisp, the team learned that it was being sued for copyright infringement.

Crisp was just the first phase of a plan that was going to radically change the outfield next season. It was learned that the team was also in talks to acquire Milton Bradley, and was successful in talking Howard Johnson out of retirement.

According to government sources, there is an investigation underway to determine if reports are true that the Red Sox were pressuring those companies for advertising revenues.

Sam Horn Faces Huge Paternity Lawsuit

2006-01-22T00:32:00.000-05:00

BOSTON (TCR) - Former Boston Red Sox slugger Sam Horn learned today he is the subject of a massive paternity suit.

According to lawyers of the Sons of Sam Horn, each member of the popular web site is demanding retroactve child support from the current Red Sox TV analyst.

"I categorically deny the charges," Horn said in a statement. "Who do they think I am, Wilt Chamberlain? And there is no way - repeat, no way - that I fathered Schilling. And hell, John Henry is older than I am!"

Horn declined to say how he would defend himself except to say, "Let's just say some of those 'sons' are actually 'daughters' so I think they're credibility is in question."

Searching For People Stunned By Epstein's Return

2006-01-19T23:11:00.000-05:00

BOSTON (TCR) - Several Boston-area news reporters are dismayed by the daunting task of finding people who are genuinely surprised by Theo Epstein's return to the Boston Red Sox.

"The editors want the story to be 'Theo's Stunning Return' but it was the worst-kept secret in the sports world," said one reporter who wished to remain anonymous.

"Its been overanalyzed to death already," he said. "The only burning question here is what animal costume did Theo wear on his way back into Fenway Park."

Another local reporter echoed the frustration.

"I thought I hit paydirt - a guy emerging from a three-year-long coma," she said. "I figured he didn't know anything about the drama of the past few months. But unfortunately he didn't know that Theo had left in the first place, and when I mentioned the World Series thing, the poor guy had a heart attack."

NBA To Auction Fan Brawls For Charity

2006-01-19T22:56:00.000-05:00

NEW YORK (TCR) - The NBA announced that instead of trying to figure out ways to prevent players from going into the stands, they will instead embrace the phenomenon and use it as a way to generate revenue for charitable causes.

"We looked into fencing off the court but the fire marshalls rejected that idea," said NBA Vice President for Basketball Operations Stu Jackson. "So we figured if they're going to do it anyway, why not make some money off it - for charity, of course."

According to Jackson, there will be a special "Brawling Section" where players can go to vent their anger. The section's location will differ by venue, but it will be within beer-cup throwing distance of the visiting team's bench.

Pats Loss Not The End Of The World - Or Is It? - Vatican

2006-01-16T23:10:00.000-05:00

VATICAN CITY (TCR) - While New England Patriots fans tried to cope with the team's playoff loss to Denver by assuring themselves, "It's not the end of the world," sources in the Vatican aren't so sure.

They say the Patriots loss may be interpreted as a sign that the end of the world is indeed upon us.

"The prophecy states, 'And the mighty one will lead them to the highest of heights, where they will meet their deepest of depths, and that shall mark the beginning of the end of time,'" said a Vatican source familiar with the prophecy. The Broncos, of course, play home games at Invesco Field at Mile High, and the Patriots certainly played at their lowest level on Saturday night.

"Pope Benedict was asking everyone to pray for a Patriots victory," said the source, who did not wish to be identified. "It could be he wanted to ward off the prophecy. Either that, or there were some rumors he had someone put some money on the Patriots when they were 4-4 earlier in the season."

The prophecy parchment was found along with a wood carving of a hooded figure wearing robes with the number 12 on them and a Patriots logo.

Damon Sues Plummer For Copyright Infringement

2006-01-15T23:40:00.000-05:00

WILMINGTON, DE (TCR) - New York Yankees centerfielder Johnny Damon filed a lawsuit against Denver Broncos quarterback Jake Plummer for copyright infringement, claiming he pioneered the long hair/scruffy beard look and holds exclusive rights.

Plummer and Broncos officials refused comment.

Dmaon, who has trimmed his trademark hair and is cleanshaven now that he is a member of the image-conscious Yankees, says that should not matter.

"Hey, everyone knows that I was the first one to do it," said Damon. "The bracelets say 'WWJDD' - What Would Johnny DAMON Do. They don't say 'WWJPD.'"

Biblical scholars say that if Jesus' return to earth is imminent, he may choose to dispute Damon's claims of ownership to the look, as well as the bracelets.

Mangini To Jets? Lions Next

2006-01-09T23:01:00.000-05:00

NEW YORK (TCR) - The New York Jets, seeking a new coach after they traded the rights to Herm Edwards to the Kansas City Chiefs, are considering New England Patriots Defensive Coordinator Eric Mangini for their head coaching vacancy.

Not to be outdone, the Detroit Lions contacted the Patriots and requested permission to interview Mangini's replacement once he is named.

"It gets competitive trying to recruit NFL coaches" said Lions President/CEO Matt Millen. "We have to be proactive. You know everyone and their brother will try to hire the next guy Belichick plugs in there, at least we've put our foot in the door."

Sources in Buffalo indicate there is concern that they will wind up the only AFC East team without a Belichick clone as head coach, and were preparing an effort to hire Belichick's father, Steve, as head coach. League insiders informed the beleagured organization that Steve Belichick recently passed away, and the team is currently pursuing other options.

WAR! Bush Invades Red Sox Nation

2006-01-04T21:17:00.000-05:00

SOMEWHERE OUTSIDE BROOKLINE, MA - (TCR) President Bush, citing the Boston Red Sox' continued use of weapons of mass hysteria, has commited military resources to bring about regime change and liberate Manny Ramirez.

The Calapai Report is embedded with troops on the ground to bring you coverage from the front lines.

During the first phase of the operation, dubbed "Sox and Awe" the objective is to "smoke out" mastermind Osama Bin Epstein, who has apparently fled to Cambridge.

Team owner and de facto leader of Red Sox Nation John Henry has thus far been silent, but was said to be searching the internet for inspirational Winston Churchill emails.

The MetroWest area was subdued quickly and placed under the command of General Curt Schilling.

Meanwhile, in Foxboro, where the New England Patriots are preparing for the playoffs and going for their third straight Super Bowl title, there was frustration at once again being pushed off the front pages by their hardball neighbors.

"I don't f---ing believe this s---," said Patriots spokesman Stacy James.

Red Sox Trade Ramirez To Pacers For Artest

2005-12-21T22:51:00.000-05:00

"Or maybe not" - Bird

INDIANAPOLIS, IN (TCR) - The Boston Red Sox and Indiana Pacers worked out a rare inter-sport trade last night, with the Red Sox trading disgruntled slugger Manny Ramirez to the Pacers for mercurial forward Ron Artest, both of whom have demanded trades.

However, officials from both teams quickly released statements saying they had changed their minds.

"After some long and hard consideration, we came to the very difficult and firm decision that the best way to go was to part ways with Ronnie," said Pacers President Larry Bird. "Then we started watching TV and said, 'Eh, nevermind.'"

Ramirez' agent said it was all a big misunderstanding and that his client thought he was demanding a trade from the Texas Rangers.

FOX Announces "Skating With The Stars" Follow-Up

2005-12-19T21:59:00.000-05:00

"Shooting Spouses With The Stars" to Premiere Next Season

HOLLYWOOD (TCR Wire Reports) - The FOX Network will expand its "Dancing With The Stars" and "Skating With The Stars" franchise to a new spin off called "Shooting Spouses With The Stars."

Hosted by OJ Simpson, celebrities and athletes will be paired with professional hitmen and the team that completes their mission first will win their chosen charity a generous cash prize.

There has been no official word on contestants; however, speculation is swirling around Kurt Warner, Hillary Clinton, Doug Christie, Renee Zellweger, Kris Benson and Whitney Houston.

Special guest panelists are said to include Rae Carruth (via satellite) and Robert Blake.

Joe Calapai's next comedy show is next Saturday, March 11th at the Randolph Holiday Inn. For more details, visit Joe Calapai Comedy.

Ramirez Barricaded In Fenway Offices

2005-12-16T01:04:00.000-05:00

RELATED STORY: "Manny being Many" - Ramirez Diagnosed with Multiple Personality Disorder

BOSTON (TCR) - Red Sox outfielder Manny Ramirez took a page from new WEEI-AM host Mike Adams' playbook and barricaded himself in team offices at Fenway Park until a trade was worked out.

Team sources say the situation is volatile. A trade was worked out earlier in the day with the Baltimore Orioles for Miguel Tejada, but Ramirez changed his mind and declared he would not come out until he was assured he would finish his career in Boston.

The area he chose to barricade himself into has easy access to the Green Monster, so Ramirez can take care of basic biological needs.

Red Sox Sell Naming Rights To New Curse

2005-12-11T23:35:00.000-05:00

BOSTON (TRC) - Boston Red Sox CEO Larry Luccino announced that as part of a plan to maximize revenue, the team has sold the naming rights to its next curse.

"We had to wait until there was a new World Series Champion before we could proceed," said Luccino. "Unfortunately no one thought to get proper compensation from the Babe Ruth brand folks back in 1919, and we're not going to make the same mistake twice."

Although the new "CLARiiON Curse Presented By EMC Corp." is only one year old, company President/CEO Joseph M. Tucci said they are banking on the future.

"You just can't buy this kind of exposure, well, not usually anyway," said Tucci. "We're proud to be innovators, and as far as we know this is a first-of-its-kind naming rights deal."

Luccino deflected questions about the deal reflecting badly on the team's desire to win.

"We need to maximize every potential revenue stream to put the best team on the field currently known as Fenway," Luccino said. "I don't think fans will have a problem with this. And for EMC, this is a priceless opportunity."

Sources from both sides said EMC paid a considerable price for the naming rights.

Energy Site Harassed By Boston Sports Radio Station

2005-12-11T23:17:00.000-05:00

BRIGHTON, MA (TCR) - Officials from the Edison Electric Institute in Washington, DC claim they are getting harassing messages from staff members and listeners of WEEI-AM, A Boston sports talk radio station.

"Apparently they are getting us confused with their station because our web sites have similar addresses, " said EEI official Keith Voight, whose organization can be found online at www.eei.org.

WEEI officials (www.weei.com) had no comment.

"We keep getting calls from them, demanding we change our address," said Voight. "They're just not listening to reason. We are in no way competing with them. One belligerent gentleman who I believe was named 'Meat' just repeatedly called me a 'weed jerk.' It was very baffling."

Voight said he was surprised to learn they were a sports radio station. "I listened early one weekday morning and I didn't hear them mention anything about sports at all," said Voight. "I thought it was some sort of Ku Klux Klan radio hour, to tell you the truth."

Voight said they are also getting innundated with calls from WEEI listeners trying to get on that station's popular "Whiner Line" segment.

"I'm a quite peaceful man," said Voight. "But if I hear one more person warbling a Christmas carol with 'Renteria' worked into it, I will track them down, rip out their throat, and use their blood to heat my house for an hour."

Garciaparra Signs With Marlins As INF/Mascot

2005-12-07T20:54:00.000-05:00

New "Nomarlin" Character To Be Developed

DAVIE, FL (TCR) - Following up our exclusive report on the Marlins trading away mascot Billy the Marlin (see related story), The Calapai Report learned that the Marlins have offered a contract to former Chicago Cubs shortstop Nomar Garciaparra.

Garciaparra will be asked to fill a utility role for the Marlins, playing any position except pitcher and catcher, as his agent specified.

He is also expected to serve as team mascot in early innings while he waits to spell players like Robert Andino. He will not be portraying Billy the Marlin, who was traded to Clevlenad earlier this week; rather, a new mascot named "Nomarlin" will be created.

Team officials acknowledged Garciaparra might be rough around the edges. When asked what he would tell young children at Marlins games, he replied, "Tell the little (expletive) not to turn down sixty (expletive) million dollars."

Beisel Leaves Pats For White House

2005-12-06T23:17:00.000-05:00

WASHINGTON, DC (TCR) - Linebacker Monty Beisel left the New England Patriots today to become the new Communications Director at the White House.

Citing his reduced playing time with the Patriots, Beisel said it was time to put his extensive PR training to good work.

"I relish the challenge of this responsibility," said Beisel. "It's a bit of a change from what I've been doing, but I know there are certain reporters who keep annoying the President with questions about the war and things like that, and they need to kept away from him. There's no way I'll let (Bush) look bad."

Beisel's first day got off to a rough start. When Mike Wallace from "60 Minutes" asked a question Beisel deemed critical of the President, Beisel screamed "That's your professionalism? You're going to slash the President in a house paid for by hard-working Republicans?" Beisel then tried to tackle Wallace, but fortunately the 87-year-old journalist was able to evade the tackle.

Billy Marlin Traded To Indians

2005-12-06T23:08:00.000-05:00

DAVIE, FL (TCR) - Continuing their efforts to shed salary, the Florida Marlins earlier today traded their mascot Billy the Marlin to the Cleveland Indians for a media relations intern to be named later.

"We're very excited to be adding a fresh face to our dynamic team," said Matthew Roebuck, Director of Media Relations. "And I hope they enjoy the weather down here, because we can't really pay them a stipend."

Indians General Manager Mark Shapiro said Billy will compete with current mascot Slider this spring for the big-league job.

O'Connell Wins Red Sox GM For A Day Contest

2005-12-01T21:58:00.000-05:00

BOSTON (TCR) - Boston Bruins GM Mike O'Connell outbid many others in a "Be The Red Sox GM For A Day" promotion to benefit the Jimmy Fund, and wasted no time putting his stamp on the team.

He traded AL MVP runner-up David Ortiz to the New York Yankees for aging center fielder Bernie Williams.

"I did my homework on this Manny Ortiz (sic) and he really didn't blossom until he came here, suggesting he's a prototypical Fenway hitter," said O'Connell. "I checked the schedule through March and the Yankees aren't scheduled to be in Fenway at all, so I don't think this will hurt us at all."

He also traded recently acquired starting pitcher Josh Beckett back to the Florida Marlins, along with left fielder Manny Ramirez and catcher and team captain Jason Varitek for pitcher Anibel Sanchez. As part of the deal, the Red Sox will pay 95% of the salaries for Ramirez, Beckett and Varitek.

"In a sport without cost certainty, the system just doesn't work," said O'Connell. "It was just a few years ago that the Florida Panthers (sic) beat the New York Yankees for the Grey Cup (sic), and now they have to dismantle their team? That's crazy. As a large market team, we must do whatever we can to help them."

Red Sox Principal Owner John Henry, his trademark soft voice barely above a whisper, said, "(expletive) the (expletive) Jimmy (expletive) Fund."

Team President/CEO Larry Luccino, in a statement released through Boston Globe columnist Dan Shaughnessey, said "This reminds me of a time the Celtics couldn't play Larry Bird because of recurring back spasms."

Boston Bruins team officials were unavailable for comment. But building maintenance staff were seen changing all the locks on the doors of the Boston Garden.

Manny Being Many

2005-12-01T21:57:00.000-05:00

Ramirez Diagnosed With Multiple Personality Disorder

Santo Domingo, DR (Calapai Report Wire Services) - Sources inside the Dominican Republic's Ministry of Sport have confirmed that Boston Red Sox left fielder Manny Ramirez has been diagnosed with Multple Personality Disorder.

It is believed that this is the cause of his frequent "trade me"/"I want to stay" requests.

Anonymous sources close to the Red Sox confirmed the report.

"Yeah, we knew about it," said a free agent first baseman who would only identify himself as Cowboy. "That's why we would be all excited and say 'Hey, it's just Manny Being Manny.' Because when Manny was being, for example, Esmirelda, he couldn't hit for (excrement). But he, um, she, whatever, could cook a mean Kale Soup, though."

Globe No Longer Covering Patriots

2005-12-01T21:47:00.000-05:00

FOXBOROUGH, MA (TCR) - New England Patriots officials complained today that the Boston Globe is no longer covering the team in their sports section.

"They'll give pages upon pages of positive coverage to Red Sox real estate deals," said Patriots Media Relations Director Stacey James, "but now they're saying they won't cover game day stories of us. It's insane."

"All those years Fenway residents would scream bloody murder when the Sox tried to add a single seat, but now we're supposed to believe that ever since the Globe bought into the team the residents are throwing roses at their huge proposals?"

Globe Sports Editor Joe Sullivan confirmed the change.

"As the premier paper in the region, we cover only the premier teams," Sullivan said, dismissing the Patriots recent Super Bowl wins as "yesterday's news."

The Globe has an ownership stake in the Red Sox. Sullivan confirmed that they will be the only team they will cover.

"We only buy into the best sports teams," Sullivan said. "You can rest assured that if we don't own it; it's not worth paying attention to."

The Patriots and Celtics planned to hold press conferences today to protest the Globe's new policy. The Bruins planned to hold a press conference to announce they are still in existance.