NFL Injury Report

JEREMY SHOCKEY
Injury: Kennel Coughlin
Status: Probable
Diagnosis: Procedure to remove his foot from his mouth was clumsy at best. However, his residence in Coach Coughlin's doghouse should severely limit his stats.

TERRELL OWENS
Injury: Attention Deficit Disorder
Status: Doubtful
Diagnosis: Not expected to play in low-profile game vs. Tennessee in Week Four. However, he is expected to be ready for high-profile game vs. Philadelphia in Week Five.

CINCINNATI BENGALS
Injury: Criminally Insane
Status: Probable
Diagnosis: They have traded "So bad it's crazy" for "So crazy they're good" and are expected to compete for the AFC North Division championship as long as they can keep enough players out of jail or at least on work-release.

TOM BRADY

Injury: Manningitis

Status: Probable

Diagnosis: Suffered from an uncharacteristic bout of whining in Week Three. Training staff feels that with more application of Doug Gabriel this condition could disappear entirely

BEN ROETHLISBERGER
Injury: Bubonic Plague
Status: Doubtful
Diagnosis: Instead of taking on the NFL Record Book, Big Ben this season seems intent on taking on the New England Journal of Medicine.

ROY WILLIAMS
Injury: Predictionectomy
Status: Probable
Diagnosis: Not expected to make any more predictions after realizing that he does, in fact, play for the Detroit Lions.